


Ties That Bind

by LadyZephyr



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, blame trylonandperisphere, love affair in two different times, notebook-esque, probably will make you cry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2018-06-06 13:40:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6756439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. A story in two times. Present day: None of them were expecting this, not this seemingly instant bond between two elderly strangers, or the story that they had to tell. That they have met before, bringing a drama like no other back to life. 1952: Delphine Cormier and Cosima Niehaus meet for the first time, and become so close, that it threatens to tear their lives apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An eventful introduction

_Present day_

She’d resisted when they brought her in, snapping at nearly everyone, long grey hair braided and hanging against her back.

“I wish they’d cut her hair for us.” A nurse comments, “it’s going to be so much work to maintain.”

“I can do it myself.” She insists. “I don’t need to be here.”

“Ooh. Another tough patient. Though, I think we have a couple that could give her a run for her money.” A support worker jokes to another under her breath.

Her protests are ignored, she’s shown to her new room. It’s on the closed ward, which further causes her strife and anger.

“I do not have dementia. I’m a little forgetful, that’s all.” Her walker sits next to the bed, hardly used for her first couple days. She takes her meals in her room, refusing to deal with the other residents at all. She refuses help dressing, still able to manage with minimal assistance. She brushes her own long grey hair, and braids it herself, her seemingly frail fingers capable of carrying out this task on their own.

After five days, she ventures far enough outside her room to actually look around. Her mobility isn’t great, and despite making it clear to every nurse, support worker and doctor how much she hated it. The walker was her constant companion.

“You at least need to take your meds.” Dr. Smith said gently, “let the nurse give them to you, and take them.”

“Or I’ll die much more quickly.Yes, I am aware.” She comments nonchalantly.

“Come on,” Dr. Smith leads her to the common room, motioning for her to sit down on the sofa. “Now I know your daughter said you have the beginning stages of dementia, but I happen to think you’re still mostly with us. So sit down, meet a few people. Maybe, you’ll grow to like it here.”

“Maybe you’ll grow some balls.” She snaps back in response.

“And yes, these sorts of sentences are what put you here in the first place, Cosima.” Dr. Smith sighs, making a note in her chart, ‘no filter’. Before standing up, and returning to his office, located just outside of the closed ward.

It’s a couple more days, and a visit from the now much hated daughter, that has nurses pretending not to hear two similarly pitched voices shouting at one another for a half hour that draws the attention of another patient, coming out of her room, still in her nightgown.

“What is it, Delphine?” A nurse observes the other patient kindly. Hoping that this is a good day for the patient.

“I know that voice.” Delphine responds, going to look at the nameplate next to the patient’s door.

“Ah, that’s right Delphine. Go take a look.” The nurse responds dismissively, “why don’t you get dressed and come down to join the rest of us for lunch today?”

“I do not like the look of purées, they turn my stomach.” Delphine’s voice is accented, her own mix of grey and white hair not passed her shoulders and loose today.

“Well just because you have all your own teeth sweetie, doesn’t mean that everybody else does.” The nurse shrugs at her and watches Delphine get as close as she dares to the fight, while staying on the other side of the door.

Used to giving Delphine what one would call, a wide berth, the nurse thinks little of it. Another delusion or something from a patient not known for having the best memory. After all, Delphine can barely name all of her grandchildren, even when they are sitting in front of her.

Delphine seems to take this all very seriously, observing herself in the bathroom mirror, playing with her grey curls and scowling at herself for nearly an hour. Taking more pride in her appearance than she had since she’d first arrived, she redresses herself without aide, she’s never had a mobility issue. If her memory were fully functional, enough to remember to take her medications and turn off her stove, it was unlikely she’d have ever been put in the nursing home. 

“Are you alright in here, Delphine?” A support worker calls in, “you haven’t finished your food.”

“I’m fine.” She responds softly, fixated on someone else. It’s early evening before Delphine summons the courage to enter Cosima’s room. Waiting until the fight was over, and Cosima’s visitor had left.

She knocks twice at the door, hesitating almost nervously. Afraid of how she might be received after this, after all this time. 

When the door doesn’t open, she tries the handle, stepping into the room. Cosima is sitting on her small couch at the end of her bed, the lamp on and bifocals perched on her nose as she reads a large book sitting on her lap. Some kind of novel.

“Cosima?” Her voice asks carefully, she stands there, waiting to see if she will be recognized. She’s older now, hair fully grey, except for part of the front that has gone a brilliant white. It takes a few minutes, before a cautious grin spreads across Cosima’s face. Recognition, she’s pleased that neither of them are as out of it as some of the other residents. 

“Hello Delphine.” She laughs, unable to help herself, unexpectedly giggling at this situation they’ve found themselves in. “You’re here.”

“Yes. I am here.” She responds, trying desperately to keep emotion from her voice, remain at an appropriate distance for greeting an old friend.

The staff of course, weren’t aware of everything, and didn’t actually pay that much attention to the social lives of their residents, assuming of course that they were not fighting, attacking each other, or stealing things. And the following 24 hours proceed according to schedule, nurses and support workers turn up for their shifts in the morning. The hairdresser arrives to do the hair of any resident who desire it and the events coordinator arrives with her strange games and crafts, excited to introduce the seniors to something new.

It comes then, as a surprise to all of them, when Cosima takes instantly to Delphine. Everything having changed during the night, Cosima takes her medication without prompting or making the nurse check to see if she had actually swallowed her pills. She’s pleasant with Dr. Smith when he makes his morning rounds and she permits a support worker to help dress her.

The reason for her change in behaviour becomes clear that first morning when they’re first found holding hands sitting on the couch in Cosima’s room, their voices both low whispers. As if part of them is afraid of being overheard.

“Oh, how nice. You’ve made a new friend!” Max looks between them with a smile. He’d only come into the room to check on them, and make sure that Cosima had taken her meds. Not expecting to find Cosima with company, never mind Delphine. Delphine had been a loner since she’d come here, she’d had visitors, but rarely spent time with any of the other residents at all.

“She’s not a new friend.” Cosima tells him matter-of-factly, “we knew each other before.”

“Oh. Well isn’t that nice.” Max pauses, doubtful he thinks. Delphine was from Montréal as far as he knew, and Cosima’s family was here in Toronto.

“It’s true, Max,” Delphine assures him, giving Cosima’s hand an affectionate squeeze. “Go get me my red photograph album and I’ll prove it.”

Max humours the women, fetching the red photo album from the wooden bedside table beside Delphine’s bed, he returns and places it gently in Delphine’s lap, and watches her open to the first few pages.

“This is my family.” Delphine smiles, looking pointedly at Max, her fingers pointing to people as she names them, “My papa, my maman, my brothers and sisters.” Childhood and family photos litter the pages, to Max, it looks like Montréal. Like he thought.

“Delphine,” Cosima taps her shoulder, “He’s going to lose patience with us, love.”

 She flips a few more pages. “And this is me,” she points happily at black and white photograph of a beautiful young woman, fair curls surrounding her face.

“You were definitely a looker,” Max responds patiently.  But it’s the bottom page of the photo that catches his attention. It’s young Delphine alright, as beautiful as ever, with her arms wrapped around a smaller brunette, both young women glowing and smiling, as if their delight could just leap off the page.

“But it can’t be.” Max exclaims in disbelief, he lunges for one of Cosima’s old albums, flipping open to reveal a wedding picture. Of the same woman, he looks back and forth. “No way.”

“Yes way.” Cosima tells him, her voice loaded with mirth. “That’s me!”

“You look so happy.” Max comments, comparing the joyful photo of the young women to Cosima’s rather solemn wedding photo. She’s smiling, certainly, but it does not reach her eyes.

“We were.” Delphine coos, more to Cosima than to him, and it hits him suddenly. A definite cute story to tell his boyfriend when he gets home from work.

“We were in love.” Cosima finishes for her, “so very in love.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "blame trylonandperisphere" relates to her telling me to write a nursing home AU, because university/college AUs are so numerous. 
> 
> She wasn't expecting someone to actually do it. 
> 
> But I am. Muahahahaha!

_Toronto, 1952_

Cosima buttoned herself up cautiously. Too often, her exuberance would cause her to miss a button and embarrass herself near instantly after setting outside of the house. She wasn’t a child anymore, she had to be careful. It’s a plain button front dress with a peter pan collar, in an orangey red shade, but she’s pleased with how it looks on. Perfectly acceptable for leaving the house. She knows her mother would never permit her to leave the house in trousers, or worse, shorts. Though Cosima suspected she could get away with wearing shorts to the beach this summer.

She was supposed to go to her classes at the university, not speak with the boys, except in the context of in class debates, and come directly home. Her second year was going well, her grades were high, her parents were pleased, she socialized with the few other young women enrolled.

If she hadn’t been the only surviving child, the youngest, she wouldn’t have been afforded this option at all. University was supposed to be for her brothers, brothers that had died overseas and that would never return.

Instead, her parents had decided, the 20 year old Cosima would go. The choice had been made for her, she would get a degree, and become a teacher. Finding a suitable husband, her mother reminded her frequently, would be easier there. The educated, charming, son-in-law to take the place of the boys they had lost, at least in one way. It often occurred to her that her parents could not care less if she actually finished her degree, as long as she got married.

She laughed at the thought. She’d been on dates, gone to parties and and dances. And, unlike the majority of her school friends, was completely immune to the swooning and obsession that tended to accompany the company of young men.  
She rushes down the stairs, taking them two at a time.

“You don’t need to make so much noise, Cosima.” Her mother chides her from her place in the living room. The wireless is on and music blares over the speakers, another crooner. Her mother is ironing and barely looks up at her.

“Bye mom, I’ll be back after class.” She grabs her lunch from the counter and slips into her shoes as quickly as she can. A quick glance at the clock tells her that she’s going to be late again.

“Don’t forget, Sadie’s wedding is this weekend. And your dad is having people over to play cards tonight.” Her mother reminds her on the way out the door. “No better way to meet folks than dancing, are you going? Don’t forget your hat.”

“Yes, mother.” Cosima responds formally. “I thought I might take science courses next term.” She hadn’t thought much about the upcoming wedding, supposedly it was going to be a small affair.

“Science? You mean next fall?” Her mother balks, “What kind of science?”

“Biology.” Cosima answers without the slightest hesitation, “It would be a useful thing to know, as a teacher.”

Her mother hesitates, unwilling to shoot down her sole surviving child, her baby. “We’ll see.”

She knows she’s won, and kisses her mother quickly on the cheek before gathering her belongings and going to catch the streetcar.  
 “Be careful, Cosima!” Her mother calls after her.

“I will!” She calls behind her, jogging quickly in a futile attempt to be less late.

She takes the streetcar to class, as usual. Sadie’s wedding. She wants to laugh at the thought, a couple months ago Sadie had been taking courses here, same as she was now. She’d found herself a boyfriend, and now there was to be a wedding. No more learning. No degree. It seemed silly not to let her at least finish out the year.

She is determined to finish her degree, to take the science courses she wants, she’ll teach science later if that’s what it takes. Why would anyone let themselves fall into a situation where they would be forced to marry and leave school? She enjoyed the dancing, certainly, it was fun. Especially jazz, like from the war years.

“Hello Cosima!” One of the men in her class greets her, with a wave, prompting a subtle jeering from the crowd. He’s faintly familiar, Cosima decides, probably danced with him a time or two. But for the life of her she cannot remember his name.

She wasn’t used to having all the men back, it seemed like they were everywhere now. The world seeming very different from her war time teens. There had been some men, yes. Her mother had even gone to work for a while, leaving her teenage self largely to her own devices. Maybe she’d had too much freedom. Still, she’d stayed out of trouble, hadn’t gotten herself in the family way, hadn’t caused much trouble at all outside of sneaking out to go dancing.  
Still, her joy had been confined to the dance floor, to swing dancing and jazz. Never what might have happened off of it if she’d taken up a young soldier on his offer. She never had, simply laughed and found another dance partner at random.

“Cosima!” Joan waves her over to take a seat in the small group of female students in this course. They sit together, though half of the time she is not sure why. Propriety? Surely they can get through a lecture without swooning.

“Hello Joan.” Cosima waves back, settling into her seat.

“Are you ready for the wedding tomorrow? I already have my dress and Billy’s going to pick me up a corsage!”

“So you found a date.” Cosima makes conversations, pleased to have arrived at a decent break. The professor was mumbling on about psychology again, as per usual. But it wasn’t a riveting course, she took notes with one hand and kept socializing, this didn’t require much of her brainpower.  

“Of course, silly.” Joan laughs, “we’ve been going steady two months now.”

Maybe she was a terrible friend, but she wasn’t particularly interested in how long the young pair had been going steady. Or what would happen this summer or next Christmas, and Joan would inevitably quit school to be a housewife.

“Is he a good dancer?” She jabs pleasantly, knowing too well her reputation. She’d go on a date or two, enjoy the dancing, they’d get to dinners and kissing and she’d lose interest and simply refuse to take things further then that.

“Is that all you care about?” Joan teases her, “he’s a good kisser, and he’s going to be a banker. I think he’ll make a lovely husband, even if he does have two left feet. You should give one of his friends a chance, otherwise you’re headed for spinsterville.”

“Maybe.” Cosima says without thinking. She’s dated, of course she’s dated. Her friends have introduced her to boys, her parents have introduced her to nephews and godsons of family friends. She simply has no interest in it. Half the time she wonders if Joan is faking this bizarre happiness, or if the strangeness is with her. The thought of being a spinster is unalarming, so she fakes mild concern to appease the other girls.

“Well I have a date for you, I’m not sure if he can dance, but he’s a looker! If I weren’t steady with Billy even I’d go with him.”

“Oh.”

“Billy has made a new friend in one of his classes, Raymond. So I was thinking I’ll introduce the two of you there and you can-”

Cosima interrupts impatiently. “Why is he even going? I mean, why go to a wedding for people you barely know?”

“He knows the groom of course! He’s met Paul, you know they all hang around together.” Joan rambles on and on.

She supposes it’s decided, hopefully this Raymond can dance. Otherwise, she’ll have a distinct lack of interest.

“You’re not even a little excited, are you?” Mary weighs in from behind them.

“Well, I am not sure why I should get excited, when you know they have to get married.” Cosima emphasizes this fact, it’s the open secret they all know well.

“Oh, just enjoy the party.” Another voice peeps up from behind her. The professor scowling in their direction brings her attention back to the class.

 

**

  
 “Are you ready yet?” Her father hollers up the stairs as she’s putting on her girdle. Who even invented girdles? Cosima steamed to herself, why make dresses that require such undergarments anyway? She liked the new look, but it certainly wasn’t always comfortable.

“Cosima, dear, we have to leave for the wedding soon.” Her mother joins in, her voice softer.

“That girl, always late.” Her father complains to her mother, loudly enough that she can hear.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” Cosima calls back, fastening her stockings to her garter belt before pulling her nicest dress from her closet.

Within minutes, her mother is upstairs, pulling the dress over her head and speeding up the process. “If you wanted help, all you had to do was ask.”

“I didn't ask.” Cosima reminds her, but cooperates getting into the garment nonetheless.

“We’ve been friends with Sadie’s parents for years, her brothers played with yours all the time. We have to be on time.”

“I know.” Even now, they were surrounded by ghosts. William. Alexander. She’d played with them all too, growing up. Not to mention when, she and Sadie had knit socks, made care packagers for soldiers, went dancing. Part of her wondered how Sadie could have been so stupid, throwing away her degree, her chance at being something, at achieving something their mothers never did, all for a few moments of passion in Paul’s car.

She’s hustled down the stairs and into the backseat of their car, her dress bunching around her. Again, she’s chosen a red, to her father’s chagrin. She loves the dress, the bright colour, the lace, the satiny ribbon below her breasts. She’s covered enough, short sleeves, it’s perfect.

“Red?” Her father glancing back, barely looking at the dress. “Does it have to be so poofy? How much did that run us?”

“Arthur, it’s alright. That’s the fashion, you should be used to it by now.” Her mother soothes her father with a hand to his neck, “I still make most of her clothes myself, it evens out.”

“Mary’s going in a strapless dress.” Cosima responds almost harshly, “Of course, she’ll be wearing a jacket.”

“Lillian, don’t you think the colour is a bit much?” He shakes his head, but she knows well his complaints will go nowhere.

“Arthur, she’s twenty years old. It’s just a colour.” Lillian brushes off his concern, intent on indulging Cosima as usual.

“Ah, you’re a good girl.” Arthur says finally, “I guess you’ll have fun dancing tonight.”

“I will. Just dancing.” Cosima laughs, at how quickly it changes. She sobers quickly, as these events always make her feel the same melancholy. She can imagine William teasing her, Alexander pretending to be suffocated by her dress in the backseat. Instead it’s unbearably quiet for a few moments. Or would they have wives of their own now? A child? Be in their own cars, having promised to meet them at the church and sit together.   
“Oh, if you meet a nice young man, we’ll have him round for Sunday dinner next week.” Lillian assures her.

They join the crowd entering the church, long term friends and neighbours piling into the small building. Among all the people she observes them, their walks, there clothing, the subtle romances playing out between young couples, and some older ones. As men, young and old take their ladies’ coats, or offer an arm to escort them formally.

She sighs, expecting a long ceremony before they can get to the party in the church hall, following her father up the aisle in an attempt to find a good seat, behind Sadie’s family. Numerous aunts and uncles, cousins, Sadie’s brother Edward with his young wife and fussing toddler. Cosima looks away, the temptation to picture William having that life too great. She looks around the groom’s side, a safer venture.

What catches her eye is a young woman with fair curls, decked out in a black dress with white polkadots, her hair pulled back, but in such away that allows the curls to fall softly. When the curly head turns, hazel eyes meet her own, looking out of one of the most beautiful faces Cosima has ever seen. She’s captivated, she takes it all in, without speaking, unaware for a couple moments that she has blocked the church aisle in her fixation.

“I’m sorry.” Cosima apologizes, and moves off to the side, following her gesturing, frustrated father into the next available pew. She glances over at the young woman, a few more times. The young man beside her, also fair and wavy haired, dressed nicely. A handsome pair, Cosima decides upon further reflection.

“Oh.” Her mother appears to notice what she’s looking at. Her cheeks redden momentarily before her mother continues, “Well, that certainly is a lovely dress. Do you want one with polkadots? Might bother your father less than red.” Her mother adds in a half whisper to Cosima, who laughs briefly, from her seat between her parents.

“It’s a beautiful dress.” Cosima agrees, continuing to intermittently glance over at the young woman wearing it. What was it about her? She knew she found women beautiful, remembers enjoying films with Marlene Dietrich in suits that made her parents shake their heads and mumble between themselves with concern. But this one, this was different.

The music starts, urging her to abandon these thoughts, as Sadie and her little sister come up the aisle, the wedding in full swing.

**

“Congratulations.” Cosima pastes a smile on her face, and shakes the hands of the beaming bride and groom at the reception.

“Thank you so much, Cosima.” Sadie’s glowing and happy. Not an ounce of despair or regret to be found.

“I’ll… I’ll miss you at the university.” Cosima finishes somewhat glumly. Is that her concern? Another constant in her life gone? A childhood friend now married? Is that all there really was to do? Why didn’t Sadie want more? She’d watched her promise her life away as if it were nothing.

“Oh, but you’ll come and visit. We’re getting a cute little house in the fall, Paul promised.” Sadie reminds her joyfully, “plus, I’m going to play matchmaker for you if it’s the last thing I do!”

This feels to Cosima, somewhere between a game and a threat. “We’ll see.”

She’s nudged out of the way by the guests behind her, and wanders around the church hall. So many familiar faces, so many stories and memories with most of them. She’s slightly lost, between the receiving lines and the food until catching sight of a familiar face.

“Cosima!” Joan waves her over, amongst the tea and sandwiches and cakes, her parents have taken their food to a quieter table with their friends. To her surprise, Joan is standing next to the young woman in the polka-dotted dress, and the young man from before.

“Hello Joan!” Cosima wanders over, pleased to find someone she knows. Even if it’s only a school chum.

“I want you to meet Raymond Cormier, and his sister Delphine.” Joan makes the introductions brightly, with a grin on her face. “Why don’t you grab some food and join us. Billy’s just getting us all drinks. We’ll see if we can find another fella, for Delphine.”

“Bonjour Cosima.” Delphine reaches out a hand to shake hers first, “Enchantée.”

“Hello Delphine.” Cosima echoes the same gesture, before turning to shake Raymond’s hand.

“Hello Cosima.” Raymond greets her in accented English, seemingly heavier than his sister’s, “Enchanté.”

“Enchantée.” Cosima responds to the pair. Siblings, Cosima immediately begins searching their faces for similarities, finding plenty. “So, who is older?”

“I am,” Delphine volunteers, “by nineteen months.”

“And she never lets me forget it.” Raymond laughs, “I’ll go and help Billy with the drinks.” He excuses himself politely enough. Clearly uninterested in standing around with a bunch of girls.

“They’ve gotten a jazz band! Can you believe it?” Joan exclaims happily over the music, “I know Sadie was worried there wouldn’t be dancing.”

“Sadie was baiting her mother to get her something good.” Cosima responds, perhaps too honestly. It’s a band from one of the local high schools, almost certainly, but the prospect of swing dancing again thrills her. The smile that spreads across her face is almost instantaneous.

“I’m going to go find us a table.” Joan volunteers in response, eager to close the topic.

“So Cosima, are you a student?” Delphine strategically changes the subject, more aware of their environment and Sadie’s many relatives surrounding them.

“Yes. I’m getting my degree at University of Toronto.” Cosima smiles, she could talk about school all day. “What about you?”

“I already have a degree, from the University of Montréal,” Delphine volunteers shyly, “Before that, I did all my schooling at a girls’ school.” She adds, to clarify.

“You do?” Cosima is impressed, they’re close enough in age she’s not sure how Delphine has managed that.

“Yes. It’s amazing I convinced my father to send me here, but only because he believed my younger brother needed a chaperone. And it gives me something to do.” Delphine adds, shrugging.

“So you’re not living at Annesley?” The women’s residence, Cosima wishes she could live there half of the time. A little more freedom from her family.

“No. I’m not, we’re living in an apartment, I’m supposed to keep house for my brother.” Delphine clarifies. “I’m going to be teaching French at a school here in September. It should help the time pass more quickly.”

She smiles, so they have something in common, or will soon. “Oh. So you’re a teacher.”

“Yes. Well, I’ve never actually taught yet.” Delphine corrects herself readily.

“I’m supposed to become a teacher. Or get married.” Cosima lowers her voice, “Whatever happens first. Least according to my parents.”

“Don’t count on Raymond.” Delphine leans in to whisper her next words in her ear, “my brother is a bit of a cad.”

“I wasn’t counting on anyone. I want to finish my degree.”

“Good.” Delphine nods, “so did I.”

“Can he dance?” Cosima asks curiously. She wouldn’t mind being spun around the dancefloor a few times, and that should satisfy Joan’s busybody inclinations, for the time being.

Delphine snorts slightly, “barely, you’d be better off dancing with me. Your feet would thank you.”

“Maybe I will.” Cosima responds, enjoying the idea. During the war, she’d danced with other girls frequently, everybody did. It was one way to guarantee oneself a partner on the dance floor. Still, with this many men around someone would say something.

“Non, we couldn’t.” Delphine laughs softly, face softening, “it’s not the war anymore. People will stare.”

“People are going to stare at you anyway.” Cosima responds without thinking before clasping one of her hands over her mouth in horror. “I’m sorry, it’s a really stunning dress you’re wearing. And you’re in it, which means no matter what you do someone will be looking. I mean, look at Billy.” Cosima gestures behind Delphine, who turns her head to get a look at the young man who is quite clearly staring.

“Oh non…” Delphine laughs. The smile on Delphine face, the intent way she regards her makes her feel joyful.

“So, did you go to school to teach French?”

“Sciences, actually. I … I was going to teach in Montréal at one of the girls’ schools, but most of them are still run by nuns. And I was needed here.” Delphine finishes somewhat sheepishly, giving Cosima an odd impression that this was not the whole story.

“So you’re really here just to keep an eye on your brother?” Cosima is puzzled by this. Why send a daughter so far from home? And an educated one at that, shouldn’t Delphine be teaching in Montréal?

“Yes.” Delphine nods seriously, “my father is concerned that Raymond will neglect his studies and felt sending him alone would be asking for trouble. He wants him back, in Montréal, when all this is over.”

“You’re supposed to stop him from getting married.” Cosima realizes with a smile. Poor Joan, she thought, who was going to break the news to Joan that her stint as matchmaker was completely pointless.

“Non, not exactly.” Delphine’s face is impassive, “let’s sit down and eat. Then, we’ll dance together and cause a scene.”

“I’d like that.” Cosima cannot stop smiling, cannot stop looking. Something about this girl was just so compelling. Her face, her voice, the way she held herself.

“Me too.” Delphine smiles at her again. Maybe, just maybe, this friendship is exactly what she needs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My plan is to update this story each Thursday... so, here's this week's chapter.

Delphine laughs, clasping Cosima’s hands in her own as they dance jovially to the music once it begins. She’s enjoying this, all of it and finds herself disappointed when, within minutes, a young man cuts in to dance her away from Cosima.

“Hello.” He greets her with a half smile, as he spins her further and further away from Cosima, to her annoyance. The song is fast, and it takes a fair amount of her concentration not to trip, and to keep up with her partner.

 “Hello.” Delphine responds politely, she’ll dance with him, after all, she does not really want to create a scene.

Delphine notices another young man swooping in to dance with Cosima. And the fast song quickly has the brunette swinging around, permitting her partner to lift her and toss her around if she were a doll.

“Wow. Your friend is a great dancer,” Her own partner comments as he leads Delphine in a much more cautious dance. She’s not clumsy, but she’s nowhere near the dancer Cosima is.

She’s more interested in watching the other dancers, than dancing herself. Delphine finishes out the song, politely thanks her partner and returns to her table, more pleased to watch Cosima dancing than to continue to participate herself.

“Not much into dancing?” An older woman comments, “a young thing like you belongs on the dance floor.”   And with a not so subtle nudge, Delphine finds herself dancing again.

Eventually, she manages to leave the dance floor to sit down and rest her now sore feet, only to be joined by a pink-faced, cheery Cosima.

“Hello again.” She plunks down next to her.

“You are an excellent dancer. But, aren’t you even a little afraid that one of these men will drop you?”

“Well… I wasn’t. I mean it could happen.” Cosima reasons out in front of her. “But so far, I have had pretty good luck.”

“So are you a friend of the bride or the groom?”

“The bride. We grew up together.” Cosima says with a nod, “we all played together as kids.”

“Are you close?”

Cosima responds with a small smirk and a subtle shake of her head, “Not anymore really. We’re really different now. So… Montréal?”

“Yes.” It’s Delphine’s turn to nod. “I was born there. My whole family lives there.”

“Have you seen much of the city?” Cosima offers pleasantly, “I’m nearly done my classes for the term, and I could show you around. Campus. The city. We could go dancing, it’d…”

“I’d like that Cosima.” She smiles at the funny girl who has managed to capture her attention so completely.

“So what does your family do?’

“My father runs a business, architecture, construction - that sort of thing.” Delphine acknowledges this, but doesn’t want to dwell on it. It has never had that much to do with her life. “There are ten of us, children,” Delphine clarifies when she catches sight of the look on Cosima’s face, “I’m the second oldest, my older brother works with my father, the younger children are in school.”

“Wow… that's quite a family.” Cosima seems tense somewhat, uneasy, and so she reaches forward to give her hand a squeeze, urging her to meet her eyes again. 

“What is it?” This silence, Cosima’s discomfort made her nervous. Far too nervous.

“I had two brothers.” Cosima divulged finally, “they both died in the war. It’s just me now, and my parents.”

“I am…so sorry.” Delphine whispers horrified. “I lost a couple cousins, a young uncle. But my older brother, he was too young. Couldn’t enlist.”

“You didn’t know.” Cosima reassures her. “They do though.” She tilts her head towards a group of similarly aged youth, young couples.

“Your friends?”

“Yes. And classmates.” Cosima laughs again, “all pairing off, like birds in spring.” The last few words are tinged with something like melancholy.

“Why shouldn’t they?” Delphine wonders aloud. She had tried to after all, it was expected of her. They seemed happy to Delphine, talking and laughing and pairing off to dance as the music slowed down.

“Do you think they’re really all that happy?” Cosima asked very quietly. Gazing out at the dance floor now filling with couples falling into a slow two-step. She saw the bride and groom leaning close together, but they weren’t the only ones. Even Cosima’s parents had taken to the dance floor for this, swaying gently not far from where they sat.

“I don’t know.” She responds honestly. “Some are probably, in love and delighted… but not all I think.” Delphine thinks she’s said too much, far too much for a new friend. Cosima doesn’t need to know that, not everything about her.

They’re interrupted by another young man, he looks straight at her. “Would you like to dance.”

“I think,” Delphine responds decisively, “my friend Cosima would like to, she is a much better dancer than I am.” She gives her new friend a nudge and settles back into her seat. Watching Cosima dance with ease and grace, looking at her over the young man’s shoulder.

Delphine lets her eyes close, she prefers her solitude, the last year of her life has taught her that much. It’s too much to ask, ultimately, and another young man appears. They’ll probably pester her until she either marries or grows old enough to be less appealing. Whichever comes first.

“Would you like to dance?” He offers his hand, and she feels obliged to accept.

“Yes.” Delphine agrees faking a smile. “I’m Delphine.”

“I’m Jack.” But it seems he’s not interested in talking with her, as he puts his hand on her waist and guides her out into the mass of people swaying to the music.

She permits Jack to hold her closer, looking over his shoulder at Cosima again, who is smiling and carrying on a conversation as she dances, her feet moving steadily, unlike Jack’s, he merely sways on the spot as if he’s too afraid to step on her feet if he were to lift them.

 

She’s pleased when the newlyweds thank everyone and the party begins to break up, not long after that.  
 Of course, Raymond is nowhere to be found. For a few moments she fumes quietly. What is that boy thinking? Where has he gone? And with the car as well.

“Do you need a ride home?” A familiar voice calls from behind her trying to get her attention.

“Cosima, yes thank you. My brother has… vanished.” Delphine summarizes glumly.

“Oh… he just left you here?” Cosima’s mother shakes her head, “where do you live dear, we’ll drive you home.” 

“Thank you, Mrs…?”

“Newman. Lillian Newman.” Cosima’s mother introduces herself, “and this is my husband Arthur. We can drop you off at home.”

“Thank you, that is very kind.” Delphine readily accepts, pleased to get to spend a little more time with Cosima.

She follows the family to the car, unable to stop herself from feeling sadness for them and what they lost.  
 Cosima’s voice brings her back from her thoughts. “Does your brother do this often?”

“Yes.” Delphine says simply. “He will show up again, tomorrow or the next day. I can never be sure.” She clambers into the back seat next to Cosima as they ease into the car. It’s a nice enough car, Cosima’s family certainly makes a decent living.

“Leaving his sister without a ride.” Arthur grumbles, “what a thing to do to a young woman from elsewhere, I’m sure your parents will be having words with him.”

“Delphine’s family is in Montréal, dad,” Cosima informs him briefly. “It’s just her and her brother Raymond in Toronto.”

“That’s even worse.” Arthur grumbles on about Raymond’s behaviour and how he would never have left his sister without a ride. This seems to be a regular event by the reactions of Lillian, wordlessly reaching out to soothe her husband and Cosima stifling a giggle behind her hand.

“Delphine, dear, we absolutely must have you and your brother for dinner.” Lillian tells her pleasantly. “Feed you both up, how about this Sunday?”

“I’d like that Mrs. Newman. I’m not sure if Raymond will come, or if he’ll even be home tomorrow.”   
“You can call me Lillian, dear. And you are welcome, any time, with or without your brother.”

Delphine smiles genuinely, unable to help herself. “Thank you.” She looks at Cosima again, stunning in her red cocktail dress with the ample petticoats.

“I want to have words with your brother.” Arthur continues his ranting. “Certain things are more important than… a little excitement.”

Delphine laughs at this herself, pleased when Cosima’ reaches over to squeeze her hand.

“Not now dear, let’s work on getting Delphine home. Now where did you say you live?” Lillian leans back to ask her.

“It’s not far from here, it’s near the university. An apartment.”

“Just you and your brother?” Cosima’s father echoes one of his daughter’s earlier questions.

“Yes. he’s in university and I am going to be teaching French at a school in September.”

“They’ll be lucky to have you dear.” Cosima’s mother chimes in, “now, we’re having a roast on Sunday, and we eat at about 5:30. Cosima will tell you how to get from the university to our house.”

Cosima smiles at me again. “It’s not difficult.”

“Thank you. That is very kind.” And for the first time since even before she left Montréal, Delphine feels like she’s come home. Maybe, just maybe, a good friend could do that.


	4. Chapter 4

She’s far too excited. Cosima knows that much. She’s been jumpy most of the afternoon, so much, in fact that her mother has threatened twice to send her to help in the shoe store.

“Now, help me with dinner.” Lillian demands, “it looks like we’ll be having your new friend for dinner, and possibly her brother as well.”

Cosima balks, “you can’t possibly expect me to be interested in Raymond now. He just left Delphine at the wedding.”

“No… of course not. But we are certainly not going to be rude.” Lillian instructs her daughter, motioning for her to mash the potatoes more firmly.

Cosima puts her extra energy into the potatoes, and then to stirring the homemade gravy on the stove while her mother quickly cleans the dining room to prepare it for guests.

A knock at the door has her gleefully passing the whisk to her mother while she wipes off her hands and heads for the door.

“Hello Delphine.” Cosima greets her brightly as she opens the door to reveal Delphine, alone, clad much more simply in a dark a-line skirt and a white blouse. She’s pleased that Raymond has not accompanied the blonde, delighted to have her new friend all to herself. And not have the evening concentrating on her father berating Delphine’s brother.

“Bonjour Cosima.” Delphine smiles back, seemingly slightly nervous before stepping in to the cozy home.  
 She wasn’t embarrassed of her parents’ home. It was a nice three bedroom home, modest, but well furnished and cared for. But she’d gotten the inkling that Delphine was from privilege, then again, Delphine was also one of ten children.

“What does your father do?” Delphine asks looking around, removing her coat and handing it readily to Cosima.

 “He runs a shoe store, also does repairs and the like. But he doesn’t work on Sundays, my mother just sent him out to get a pie.” Cosima tells her briefly, her father’s business is not of great interest to her. Although, she knows she will end up working in the store most of the summer, even with the new hires of her father’s. She hangs up the coat, and shows the guest into the living room.

“Oh! Do you work there as well?”

“Sometimes.” Cosima answered honestly. It wasn't her favourite pastime, but she was cheaper labour than most. “I can’t like make shoes or fix them though.”

“Hello Delphine!” Lillian greets their guest enthusiastically. “No brother? Oh never mind, Cosima will show you the house and then we’ll eat for about six. How does that sound?”

“Very good. Merci, Mrs. Newman.” Delphine answers.

“Call me Lillian,” her mother insists gently, never overly concerned with formality. But very concerned with keeping her guests well fed and attended.

Cosima is pleased enough to show Delphine around, but inevitably she reaches the same awkward point in the tour.

"So that's my parents’ room, my room, the washroom and…” Cosima hesitates pointing at the last door.

“Your brothers?”

“Yeah. They slept there. Mom’s cleaned most of it out now, given things away.”

“So it’s…”

Cosima shrugs. “A spare room.” It's the best thing she can refer to it now, but she hates going in there. 

“I won’t bring them up at dinner.” Delphine assures her, “I won’t even bring up Raymond.”

“What about the other… eight?” Cosima giggles, leading Delphine back down the stairs. The sound of the kitchen door opening and new grumbling alerts her to her father being home.

“Jean-Paul is older than I am, and after Raymond there is Lucien, Marie-Marguerite, Georgeanne, Yves,” Delphine stops herself. “Should I really continue?”

“Only if you want to.” Cosima giggles at the thought of a younger Delphine squished around a table with all those other children.

“Thérèse, Katherine, et Antoine.” Delphine finishes, “but they are quite young. Still little.”

“How little?”

“Eleven, eight and five.” Delphine finishes with a giggle.

“Wow. Okay. definitely a different family than mine.” Though maybe if her parents had had more children she wouldn’t be stuck being the only one now.

“It was my normal. I mean, whatever you grow up with is. Besides, I have been at school a lot of that time, I always lived at home though, until recently.”

She’s about to ask why, now that they’re alone. Wanting to much to know everything about this new friend. She’s had intense friendships and weathered the fallout before, but this draw somehow surpasses what she’s felt before.

“Girls,” Lillian calls up the stairs, “we’ve got dinner on the table. Come on down.”

Instead, Cosima simply turns, grins at Delphine and thunders loudly down the stairs like a small elephant.

“Cosima! You’re a tiny thing, stop making such a racket!” Arthur hollers from the dining room.

The look on Delphine’s face falls somewhere between amused and perplexed. “You did that on purpose.” Delphine hisses at her, trying to hide a laugh as she quickly follows her down.

“Guilty as charged.” Cosima mutters back, quickly sitting down to eat.

Conversation follows the usual pattern, where Delphine is from, what her father does, about her family. And Delphine has to name all her siblings again, go through the typical pleasantries of introducing oneself over mouthfuls of roast chicken and mashed potatoes.

Cosima watches in surprise as her parents purposefully avoid speaking of religion, she’s confused before it hits her. Delphine is French, she must be Catholic. And yet, she’d been at Sadie’s protestant wedding. She’s curious enough to ask about the differences but knows that her mother will berate her if she so much as nudges towards the subject.

“And then I went to university of Montréal, I lived at home, of course.” Delphine assures Arthur and Lillian. “My parents were hesitant, but ultimately my grades and my teachers insisted that I be allowed to go.”

“Is it rarer in Québec?” Cosima asks.

Delphine nods, “I should be married already, really, with children of my own. It’s… a bit of a disappointment for my family. Marie-Marguerite may marry before me.”

“Oh, well,” Lillian places a comforting hand on her arm, “I’ll bet you found yourself a lovely sweetheart at university. Is there a fellow back home waiting on you?”

Cosima watches Delphine pale, and her smile become rather forced.

“Non. I do not have a sweetheart.” Delphine responds as simply as possible. “Anyway, I’ll be teaching in the fall, that should fill my time.”

“Oh it will.” Lillian assures her kindly, “and you never know who you might meet. Cosima must have some friends she can introduce you to, unless of course, you’ll be going home to Montreal.”

“Young men back around, and not one wants to put in the time.” Arthur grumbles. “In my day, you found your person, and that was it. You got married. None of this gallivanting business.” 

“Arthur…” Lillian chides her husband, “they’re still young.”

“I don’t know.” Delphine responds, “I assume so. For now, I’ll look after my brother and try to keep him out of trouble.”

“That boy…” Arthur shakes his head. “Shameful the way he acted yesterday.”

“Dad… let’s just leave it.” Cosima advises quickly, not wanting this dinner to turn into another one of her father’s tirades.

But it’s her mother that puts a stop to it. “Dear, let’s not offend our guest. He is her brother.”

It’s after dinner, when Delphine has gone out onto the porch to smoke a cigarette that they are finally alone. The wireless blaring her parents’ preferred music into the living room.

“I hope you had a nice time, I’m sorry about my parents.” Cosima starts only to be met with a shaking head and a warm kind hand to the shoulder.

“Non, they were lovely.” Delphine pauses to take a drag from her cigarette. “I wasn’t offended, lots of people ask.”

“What was it?” Cosima asks without specifying. She’s sure they both know what she is referring to.

“There was… a situation.” Delphine finally says diplomatically, sitting next to Cosima on the porch. Whatever that meant, Delphine seemed uninterested in elaborating, she instead holds out the cigarette.

 Cosima considers her options, and decides to proceed. She inquires gently taking the offered cigarette from Delphine fingers and taking a drag herself. “What kind of situation?” 

“I was engaged to be married.” Delphine looks at her very seriously. “I don’t think I was ever in love with him, but it was the thing to do, but then I changed my mind.” Delphine looks almost sheepish at this. “My parents were extremely disappointed and that was bad enough but then, he…” Delphine shakes her head again, plucking the cigarette from Cosima’s fingers, probably to delay her answer.

“Oh no.” Cosima breathes, easily able to picture her own parents’ distress if she had done something similar. “What happened?”

“Louis became very angry with me and said some very unkind things.” Delphine surmises briefly, obviously glossing over the worst of the situation. “Some people believed them.”

“What…” Cosima looks into wide open hazel eyes, the vulnerability looking back at her is another surprise. “Were they true?” 

“Does it matter?” Delphine laughs humourlessly.

“I guess not. So you were sent away?”

“Yes, my parents are hoping a year or two away will kill the scandal.” Delphine pauses, “and they do not feel comfortable leaving Raymond to his own devices. It all worked out.”

“So that’s your secret.” Cosima nods.

“Oui.” Delphine answers, “do you want to smoke another?”

“No. But, I’ll share my secret with you.” Cosima offers, “it’s only fair.” And she’s been told many times not to tell people. Not to explain anything, and yet, she wants to tell Delphine.

“What is it?” Delphine props herself up.

“My family name isn’t really Newman. Well it is… but it was changed from Niehaus.” Cosima confesses quietly. “It’s German. My family is German, not English. But… it’s safer not to be.”

“But your family…”

“Has been in Canada a long time, my grandparents changed it when they immigrated.” Cosima says simply.

“I don’t mind.” Delphine says softly, reaching out to stroke Cosima’s hair, to reassure her. “It doesn’t bother me.” There’s a warmth in Delphine that’s new, that she cannot explain.

Part of her finds it difficult to hide her surprise. “You’re not going to call me a Nazi?”

“Non. I’m not.” Delphine pushes herself to stand, “I should get home.”

“I could drive you.” Cosima offers eagerly without thinking, “I mean, if you want to get home a little faster.”

“I’d like that. Thank you, Cosima.”

**

_Present day_

“Cosima.” Delphine chides her softly, not moving from her spot on the couch next to her re-found love. She shifts, starting to gingerly flip the page.

“What? He doesn’t care. I’m betting money on Max here having a boyfriend.” Cosima stops her from turning the page, intent on looking at this image of their younger selves, near-perfectly preserved in time.

“Umm yeah, I do actually.” Max replies cordially, happy enough to share, “Daniel.”

“Daniel. See?” Cosima turns to Delphine with a satisfied look on her face, “And once Delphine was my… girlfriend?”

“Lover?” Delphine tries brow furrowing. Amoureuse. That is the first word to come to her mind. L’Amour avec le grand ‘A’.

“You’re rushing the story.” Cosima chides her gently, fingers cupping Delphine’s jaw.

“I am not.” Delphine insists.

Max looks between the two of them, “I think, I’ll leave you two alone for a while. But umm, if you need anything. Or want to let Daniel interview you for his LGBT blog, let me know.”

“Delphine.” Cosima sighs, snuggling herself into Delphine’s cheek. “Weren’t we dishy?” She lets her fingers linger besides the photo. Remembering that day, remembering all of those gorgeous days that followed.

Her love laughs in response. “We were.”

“It’s too easy to love you.” Cosima mumbles, “I wish I could still dance. I’d love to dance with you.”  
“Oh, Cosima.” A warm kiss is pressed to her forehead, “I don’t care about that.”

“Well I do…” Cosima backs away with a mischievous smirk, “imagine all the trouble we could get up to if I weren’t reliant on that damned contraption.”

“Are you referring to your walker?”

Cosima scowls. “Yes.”

“I wish… I wish we’d found each other again before now.” Delphine sighs, “I was widowed, nearly thirty yeas ago.”

The reaction is instantaneous. “Why didn’t you try to find me?” Cosima asks roughly, hurt. “You knew I was in Toronto, you knew!”

“I… I was afraid.” Delphine says finally. “Not of what people would think, though my children would probably have had a problem with it. But… after so long I thought you would have found someone.”

“I did.” Cosima laughs. “For nearly twenty years, she and I shared our lives. This was once Laura was grown… I couldn’t risk losing her.” They both know what that means.

“What happened?” Delphine asks gently.

“She died. Cancer.” Cosima laughs, “the doctor said it was all her damned smoking that did it. I guess we just got lucky. I quit decades ago.”

“I”m sorry.” Delphine’s apology is genuine. But she doesn’t ask the woman’s name, as if she prefers Cosima’s former partner to remain nameless and faceless a while longer.

“Me too.” Cosima smiles, “but it doesn’t change how happy I am to have found you.”

“We were so happy.” Delphine admires the photo through the thin plastic lining of the photobook. She has a few photos of Cosima, or with Cosima. But it’s this early one that delights her. After all, that was the beginning of everything.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have this beta-read, and it may in fact be riddled with typos and errors.

Cosima rushes home, flinging the door open and taking the stairs two at a time.

"Be more careful, Cosima." Lillian sighs from the sofa, her knitting needles clicking together as some radio drama fills the room.

"I can't. Dad made me stay in the store an extra hour helping with inventory." Cosima hollers down the stairs. Opening her closet, she assesses her options. She has one pair of pedal-pushers, but her mother is unlikely to let her leave the house in them. Even if it is warm.

"You only finished exams last week. You will help your father in the store as much as he needs." Lillian reminds her of their deal. Cosima had agreed to it, she would continue to help in the store during the summer, and some Saturdays during the school year. Though, honestly she was more of a nuisance than a help. She could sell shoes and run the cash register and keep the books neatly enough, but she had no love or talent for the work itself. It was rote, memorized, and allowed her mind to wander freely.

She decides on a skirt and top, quickly changing her clothes and tossing the rest into the laundry. It's not restrictive enough to require a girdle, so she digs through for a garter belt instead, finding it and quickly swapping, removing the restrictive garment. If she had to run to catch the film, best that she is actually able to run as easily as possible. She doesn't truly need it, unless she's wearing something incredibly fitted.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Lillian hollers up at her daughter again, switching off the radio. She can feel the annoyance radiating off of her mother.

"Delphine and I will eat out." Cosima hollers back down, she throws the shirt over her head and quickly tugs up the skirt before rummaging for a fresh pair of stockings. She'd gotten far too sweaty doing inventory. The storeroom was warm and poorly ventilated, even on a cool April evening. She hadn't seen Delphine in two weeks, exams had taken up most of her time, and she'd missed the blonde greatly.

Lillian sighs in disappointment, "Cosima, you haven't been out with a young man once since Sadie's wedding. Why not a double date? I'm sure both you and Delphine would enjoy that. I'm happy you've made a friend dear, but you can still meet some nice young men."

"Well… I didn't arrange for a date, I just arranged to go to the cinema with Delphine tonight." Cosima shrugs and she finally fastens her stockings to her garter belt

"I heard Singin' in the Rain was good." Lillian comments again. "Now, why haven't you been out on a date in over a month? What about that young man, John, from church? I know he'd love to take you out."

"I just… don't really like any of the boys I'm meeting." Cosima shrugs answering honestly. "If I know I don't like them, why bother?"

"Cosima, you are not going to know the first time you meet a man whether or not you want to spend your life with him!" Lillian sighs again, in total exasperation.

She shrugs awkwardly in response, leaning down to adjust a crooked stocking. "Well… maybe this time I just know that I don't?"

Lillian shakes her head, placing a gentle hand on her daughter's arm. "At best, you'll know whether you want a second date, then you take it from there. Love takes time to grow."

"It doesn't for everybody." Cosima mumbles, her friends have had obsessive love. And her feelings for Delphine, well those had come so quickly. If she can feel so much, so quickly, for a friend, then why not for a prospective husband?

"That isn't love, my dear." Lillian assures her, "love is what keeps you going, keeps you moving forward together after 28 years and losing two children. A girlish obsession would not have kept me so tied to your father. Our values do, our family does. You'll do best to pick a husband who will be a good friend and companion to you, one who treats you right, has a decent job and an education and fits well with our family."

"How do you know I'll fall in love?" Cosima's voice wavers somewhat. She's doubted before that she's even capable of love, whatever is in her friends, in her parents, in most everyone she encounters, appears to be missing in her.

"You will, my dear. It will happen." Her mother assures her, "now go on out with your friend. But remember this next time a nice young man asks you out to dinner or to a movie."

Feeling somewhat scolded, Cosima quickly grabs a jacket and leaves as quickly as possible. She's got to get to the theatre, she told Delphine she'd be there at six.

By the time she arrives at the theatre, most of the line to see the film has already gone inside. Delphine leans against a wall near the booth, two tickets in her hand.

"Bonsoir Cosima." Delphine greets her, offering up the second ticket. "Late again?"

"I'm sorry." She apologizes, "I tried, my dad kept me at the store and then I had to escape my mother."

Delphine laughs, a beautiful sound to her eager ears. "What? Does she think I am about to steal you away in the night?"

She returns the smile, happily linking arms with Delphine on the way into the theatre.

"I've been waiting for this since it came out." Cosima claps excited for a moment, to frowns of the workers, it was obviously too late not to immediately find their seats in the already darkened theatre.

"You had exams, ma poule." Delphine gives her arm a quick squeeze. "I was happy to wait for you. You are excellent company."

The sentiment was mutual, but they were shushed as they entered the theatre, quickly finding two seats in the dark. Delphine releases her arm as she settles more comfortably into her seat, and she finds herself horribly disappointed.

It's a fun film, she enjoys the music and soon finds her hand seeking Delphine's again, giving it a quick squeeze as she flashes her a smile in the dark room, to be met by a similar expression on Delphine's face.

It hits her when she's absently playing with Delphine's fingers, whispering in the dark, only to be hushed by the couple sitting behind them. Cosima doesn't want to release her fingers, doesn't want to give up this small contact with the québecoise who has become such a joy in her life this last month. Someone who shares her love of learning, who understands her better than most.

Delphine tangles their fingers again, keeping her eyes fixed on the screen, as she squeezes her hand.

This is what boys she has let take her to movies wanted to do. To hold her hand, or lean in and kiss her in the dark, letting the blackness off the room conceal their young passion. She'd had little patience for it. Not wanting them to touch her, not wanting the distraction from whatever she was watching.

She doesn't want to relinquish this small contact, she enjoys it, the press of Delphine's fingers, the slide of her thumb across the back of her hand. Cosima grins to herself, knowing she can tell if Delphine's enjoying the film from the feel of her fingers, the way her thumb absentmindedly strokes against her skin.

It's almost as if she's in love with Delphine. As in love as the silly girls in books. The characters in movies. But it can't be, Cosima tells herself. Delphine is a friend, the best friend she's ever had.

Her mind is still spinning, a shiver left in her body from where Delphine had been touching her, when they leave the theatre, the lights on and hands finally apart for more than a few torturous minutes. Her instinct to grab Delphine's hand again is instantly suppressed, it would be odd, Cosima thinks, to just do that in front of a crowd.

"Cosima?" Delphine asks when they exit into the cool night air, "are you alright? You're so quiet."

"Just thinking."

Delphine lets their hips bump together playfully. "About what?"

"Love."

"Don't tell me you've managed to fall in love in the last two weeks." Delphine teases her.

Her stomach growls, interrupting them. "No." Cosima laughs it off. There's nothing more to be said on that subject. There can't be.

Delphine's focus switches near instantly. "Did you eat?"

"No… I was running really late." Cosima looks up at Delphine sheepishly, the look on Delphine's face is affectionate. Calming. Surely she shouldn't feel so nervous. Sometimes friends held hands, Cosima assured herself. Delphine was just more affectionate that most of the friends she's had, less caring about invading her personal space.

"Come on, silly girl, we'll go to the diner. I think I'm a little hungry too." Delphine looks around that the groups exiting the theatre, couples and friends. Cosima takes note of how many of them are holding hands, is it out of a desire for the closeness? Is that what she's feeling?

"What is it?" Delphine looks at her again, sensing something in her no doubt distracted expression.

"I… I missed you." Cosima admits finally. It had only been two weeks, she'd been in the middle of exams and had to concentrate on what she was doing.

"Tu m'as manqué aussi." Delphine smiles a slow happy smile. "Did you decide what you're taking next near?"

"Biology, assuming my parents don't throw a fit." Cosima tilts her head, she's fairly intent on having her way. "I'm thinking the pathological psychology course. I still have time to decide before I have to register."

"That should be interesting."

"I think so. I'm going to miss having courses… but I'm happy about having a summer with you. To explore Toronto and around Ontario, I mean. I think we'll have fun."

"Of course we will!" Delphine assures her. "I might be able to get Raymond's car as well. You said your uncle has a cabin?"

"A cottage," Cosima corrects, "he build it about two years ago. It's a drive, but it's beautiful. I went last year."

"Sounds lovely."

"And the beach is nice, lake Huron is good for swimming… it's still too cold." Cosima laughs at Delphine's building excitement as they reach the restaurant.

"It won't be for long!" The blonde insists with a smile. "There's just one problem." Delphine opens the door for her, and holds it, allowing her to enter the diner first. The red stools catch her eye, as she looks around for an open booth. Flagging the waitress.

"What is it?"

Delphine grimaces, "I cannot drive."

"I can drive." Cosima brushes off her concern. She'd been taught a couple years ago. It was useful, her father said, to have Cosima able to drive and capable of getting out like that.

The waitress shows them to the closest booth, hands them both menus and smiles, "I'll be back to take your order in a couple minutes."

"Thank you." Delphine turns on the charm, likely in an attempt to get service quicker. She turns to Cosima once she's left. "Why didn't you tell me you were hungry?"

"I didn't want you to miss the movie. I know you were looking forward to it." Cosima explains with a shrug as she peruses the menu.

"We could have put it off a couple of days." Delphine assures her with another hand squeeze that has her heart feeling like it's going to burst in her chest.

"I didn't want to… My dad's going to have me working in the store half of the summer, I think." Cosima considers aloud, tilting her head to one side. If she could, she'd spend every one of these days in Delphine's exhilarating presence.

"We could do things on Sundays." Delphine suggests, "I'm sure the store is closed then, we could meet after the mass and…"

"After church, you mean?" Cosima perks up, that would certainly infuse her Sundays with more life than they had been.

They order food, and Delphine watches her eat, a contented look on her face.

"What are you thinking?" Cosima pauses in her eating, swallowing her last mouthful of burger.

"I was thinking... you're all done for the semester. I think we should celebrate." Delphine finishes decisively.

"Did you?"

"Not really." Delphine admits, "but I have wine at home, we could go open a bottle. And I have a record player."

Cosima grins happily, looking back into hazel eyes that seem so welcoming, so open. "Sounds good… when?"

"Tonight." Delphine answers her firmly. "Why delay? Raymond isn't home. I cannot seem to keep him out of trouble at all."

After they leave the diner, they rush hand in hand to catch the next streetcar to make it back to Delphine's. She shivers in the cold, having not dressed warmly enough for a cool April night. As soon as they're on the streetcar, the blonde's hands are rubbing her arms to warm them.

Is this it? Cosima wonders, as they run from the streetcar to the steps leading to Delphine's building. Is this her 'girlish obsession'? Or is this, could this, be something more.

The affection in Delphine's eyes seems limitless, as she leads her into the comfortable apartment for the first time.

"Would you like a sweater? I can run and get you one?" She offers instantly, slipping out of her shoes and moving, assumably, to her bedroom. There are several doorways leading off of the main room, but she makes no movement to follow.

Instead, Cosima looks around, it's furnished in a modern style. Simple clean lines, a small round table surrounded by chairs sits in one corner. A well-appointed kitchen nearby. The couch sits in a comfortable living area next to a dark blue chair, a record player is perched on a small table. A large radio against the far wall. A small television sits across from the couch, her eyes widening in envy. Her parents considered such a purchase incredibly frivolous, but here one was, carelessly placed in Delphine's home.

"It's a really lovely apartment." Cosima calls, as she slips out of her own shoes, carelessly leaving them on the floor.

"Thank you… I cannot take credit, I'm afraid." Delphine calls from another room, "it came furnished." Delphine returns with a plain white sweater, she's intent on throwing over Cosima's head. "It's a bit big, but it should keep you warm."

"Thank you." Is all she can muster, feeling heat rushing to her face at even the skimming touch of Delphine's hands. Why does she want to gather the blonde into her arms? Why does she want to bury her head into her neck? The sweater itself smells of Delphine, instead of feeling strange, it fills her with an odd sense of comfort.

"I think you'll like this." Delphine smiles again, selecting a record from the pile, setting into the player and starting it as she walks back towards the small table, quickly grabbing a bottle of wine, and an opener.

 _"I used to walk with you, along the avenue…"_ A voice croons from the record, _"Our hearts were carefree and gay. How could I know I'd lose you somewhere along the way?"_

"Nat King Cole." Delphine smiles, "I have been enjoying music, it annoys Raymond to no end. I monopolize the record player every chance I get.

"Dance with me." Cosima finds herself demanding, without truly thinking. Delphine only smiles back, leaving the now open bottle of wine to aerate. She'd always preferred faster songs, and yet, dancing like this with Delphine was appealing. But what was a dance between friends? Surely it would just be in fun.

A warm hand presses gently to her waist, as another finds her own. They dance slowly, Cosima loses herself in the gentle smile gracing Delphine's features, the warmth of her shoulder, of her hand in her own. Subconsciously, Cosima knows that she is probably staring too much, not wanting to look away for a second. She knows should lean in more, look behind Delphine, or over her shoulder.

_"The friends we used to know would always smile "Hello", no love like our love they'd say then love slipped through our fingers somewhere along the way"_

Delphine stills for a moment, looking a little bashful, eyes dropping the intense contact they had been permitting.

"Is something wrong?" Her eyes search Delphine's, worried that perhaps this is all too much. That there is something unwanted about her own blossoming affection, something unnatural.

"I'm just not used to leading," Delphine admits, surprised, when Cosima easily switches the positions of her hands.

"I don't mind." Cosima tells her, guiding Delphine back into the gentle steps, watching the same slow smile come back over her face as they sway to the music.

_"I should forget, but with the loneliness of night, I start remembering everything. You're gone and yet, there's still a feeling deep inside that you will always be part of me…"_

"It's kind of a sad song, really. But I like it." Delphine speaks softly,

"It's beautiful." Cosima thinks aloud, but although she hears the lyrics, enjoys the smooth voice singing them, her eyes are on Delphine. Delphine's face inches away from hers, Delphine's waist under her hand, letting her guide her steps.

She cannot blame the flush in her skin on the wine she has not yet consumed, or the slight tension in her body on work. As much as she would like to. Her eyes linger on Delphine's smile, Delphine's mouth, the sweetness of it. Another memory surfaces, being fifteen years old at a dance hall, catching two women exchanging a kiss in a dark corner, she remembers her eyes widening, shocked by what she was witnessing. Such things were never talked about, they didn't happen, and she knew it was not the sort of thing she could bring up.

Her mind casts herself and Delphine in the same roles, dancing together, bringing herself so close she can feel the warmth of the quebecoise's breath, their cheeks barely an inch apart. Unable to move forward, they stay like that, dancing far closer than she has with any other friend. Cosima has kissed before, but she's never enjoyed it. Finding it an unpleasant experience, she avoids it as much as she can.

The song ends, and Delphine extricates herself, with a last squeeze to her hand, moving to grab two elegant wine glasses from the kitchen, and pour them each some wine. She takes the offered glass and drinks deeply, not wanting to ask, not wanting to say too much.

The record moves into its next track near flawlessly, as Delphine settles herself on the couch with a glass of wine. She's elegant, Cosima admires, without even trying. And she settles herself next to her, careful not to stain her borrowed sweater, or the couch.

"I miss being in university." Delphine admits suddenly. "Even the exams."

"Even exams?" Cosima giggles again, brought back to the present. "And you were in sciences!"

"I was good at sciences." Delphine shrugs. "My father feels it was all a great waste of money now, I suppose."

"It's still rare in Montréal for women to go?" Cosima assumes as much, her suspicion is confirmed when Delphine nods.

"Yes."

"Do you regret any of it?"

"No." Delphine bits her lip briefly, taking another long swig of the red wine. "I wish I could have done more. If I were a man, I would have. My parents would have encouraged me."

An unwelcome stray thought crosses her mind, if Delphine were, wouldn't that make this love? Isn't that the only part that was missing? Was something even truly missing like this? Cosima wonders absently to herself. What was this? What was wrong with her?

"Do you really want to teach?" Cosima asks, swiftly finishing her wine and laying down on the floor, somehow feeling grounded by the feel of the cool wood at her back.

Delphine sets down her own wine glass, dropping to the floor on her knees. "Non." She lets herself fall back, fair curls cushioning her head as she lies shoulder to shoulder with her.

"Are you nervous? I'm not sure I want to teach either." She admits it readily, with Delphine saying as much is safe. Or as safe as it can be.

"What else is there to do?" Delphine grumbles aloud, "I could have become a nurse, I suppose, but …"

"Louis?"

"Oui. Louis." Delphine scowls into space for a moment, before biting down on her lip, a nervous habit that made her heart flutter again. "And, unless I become a nun, where would I teach at home anyway?"

"The jerk." Cosima scowls in solidarity, even if her guesses were correct, even if what Louis had said about Delphine were true, she hated him. She couldn't help it.

Delphine smiles and laughs again, interlacing their fingers as she sings along softly to the next song. They're still lying on the floor, lost in the joy of each other's company long after the music has stopped and the wine has run low.


	6. Chapter 6

She shouldn’t feel like this, Delphine scolds herself as her face grows warm at their proximity. What was wrong with her? It’s almost like a shyness, why did she feel so timid about it? She’d grown up with sisters after all, she was used to laying around and whispering late at night, even used to sharing a bed. So why was dancing with Cosima troubling?

Perhaps dancing so closely had been a little much, but Cosima had wanted to… so despite a niggling feeling of strangeness she’d permitted it. Wanting to make her new friend happy. After all, what was a dance between friends?

Their fingers tangle again, as a giggly and inebriated Cosima retells a story from her youth, not stumbling over her brothers’ names anymore.

“It’s getting really late, isn’t it?” Cosima realizes all of a sudden, the warm haze of wine unable to make her forget everything.

“It’s past eleven.” Delphine leans back to glance up at the clock. She hadn’t even thought of the time. They were both tipsy, even if Raymond was here, how would she get Cosima home?

“I better call my parents.” Cosima stumbles her way off of the floor.

“The phone is …” Delphine waves her arm in the direction of a low table where the phone sits. “You can stay over, if you want. I’ll lend you a nightgown.”

Cosima hesitates, before nodding her agreement and wandering towards the phone. It is far too late for a young woman to find her way home by herself, at least to Cosima’s parents. The phone rings only twice before Cosima reaches her family. Delphine watches curiously for a moment, she supposes it is possible that Cosima’s father will come and get her with the car.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize it was so late…” Cosima mutters into the receiver, “yes, Delphine and I had some wine. Yes, Delphine has offered to let me stay. No, Raymond isn’t here.” Cosima looks over at her with a patient smile, “I don’t think Delphine knows where he is.”

Looking over at the brunette affectionately, Delphine quickly goes to her room, Raymond’s room is, of course, empty. But certainly the best place for Cosima to sleep is in next to her. There was room, Delphine decided as she regarded her bed. She’d shared a similarly sized bed with two sisters at one point in her life after all.

She digs in the drawer for two nightgowns, placing them both on the bed, fluffing the pillows, she turns down the comforter. The wine has her feeling warm and light headed, but she can manage this at least.  
 "Are you ready, Cosima?”

“Yes. My father told me he’ll come and get me early tomorrow morning. Sorry about all this…” Cosima shrugs, “I think he knows we’ve both been drinking a fair bit.”

She laughs, unable to help herself. “Here, take the nightgown.” She hands it to Cosima, and quickly begins undressing herself without fanfare, unfastening her skirt and letting it drop to the floor, unbuttoning her shirt, removing her stockings.

It becomes clear, very quickly, by the way Cosima clutches the borrowed nightgown to her chest and gapes at her that undressing in front of her is not, in fact, acceptable behaviour. Even after considerable wine.

Delphine stops, feeling uneasy at the blush in Cosima’s cheeks, the look of shock on her face. She knows instantly that she’s gone too far. Delphine thought it was nothing, she’d grown up with sisters and shared rooms. But Cosima hadn’t. Cosima was English. Perhaps they were more repressed, more modest, though Delphine failed to see the point. 

“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes, most of the way down to her underwear, and she watches Cosima turn her back to change, looking deliberately towards the wall. She finishes changing quickly, throwing the nightgown over her head and clambering onto the mattress.

Cosima slides into bed besides her, but continues to face away. It feels strange, especially with the undeniably growing closeness between them. Cosima is so rarely quiet.

“Is something wrong?” Delphine calls out softly, looking towards Cosima’s back.

Cosima’s voice is muffled. “No.”

She reaches to Cosima’s shoulder, giving it what she hopes is a reassuring squeeze. “I had so much fun with you.”

 

“Me too…” Cosima shifts, moving to cover her hand briefly with her own. Cosima’s warmth is appealing in the chilly room, and she wants to scootch forward, but resists, remembering the embarrassment on Cosima’s face when she’d changed.

“I like having you here.” Delphine mumbles sleepily at Cosima’s back. “Tu es la meilleure amie au monde.” Cosima, she knows already, is far too easy to love. But her affection always makes her somewhat uneasy. There’s a foreignness to it. Something unnamable, in both of her languages. 

Cosima is so quiet for such a long time that Delphine begins to think that she has fallen asleep. “I like being here.” The brunette’s voice says softly as Cosima rolls to face her, looking small and vulnerable.  
She cups Cosima’s face in her hand, letting her thumb stroke over the softness of her cheek. Cosima’s eyes watch her, open, curious. But they’re both tired, eyes blinking slowly shut, sleepy bodies unwilling to move anymore without rest. 

Eventually, Cosima is lulled to sleep by it, her breathing deepens and it’s so incredibly soothing that Delphine soon drops off herself. 

She wakes to a view of a still sleeping Cosima, even the pounding in her head cannot distract her from Cosima’s face in sleep. The curve of her lips, soft olive skin, dark hair falling into her face. 

Delphine finds herself smiling at the view, reaching a gentle hand to brush Cosima’s hair out of her face, she lets her hand linger. What is it about Cosima that makes her feel so tender? Such a strange thing, and yet she wouldn’t trade their friendship for the world. Or even medical school, the childhood dream she’d had yet to let go of. Maybe she would, in time.s

“Morning.” Cosima mumbles shyly, looking at her as she pulls her hand from Cosima’s face. She should be embarrassed. Surely stroking Cosima’s hair was too...motherly? Or something.

“Nearly…” Delphine notes the faint light in the room. 

“You didn’t need to stop.” Cosima hums, “does your head hurt?”

“A little.” Delphine admits, laying back down.

Cosima groans, not wanting to move from the comfort of Delphine’s bed. “I’m supposed to work in the store again today.”

“At least it’s something to do.” Delphine sighs, “I do not think Raymond came home. I don’t seem to be able to keep him out of trouble at all.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Yes.” Delphine states confidently, before stopping, “I don’t know. I’m supposed to. I feel like I’m failing though.”

“You’re not failing.” Cosima’s own hand finds curls to play with, teasing at the loose messy ringlets at the nape of her neck. “He’s made his own choices. He has… lovers?” Cosima whispers the last word as if she’s afraid of it. Surely, the word is nothing to fear. 

“Yes.” She doesn’t elaborate much beyond that. And Cosima, thankfully, doesn’t ask. Simply looks back at her, with a dazed expression as she continues to play with her hair.

“Aren’t you afraid he’ll get some girl in trouble? Could end up having to get married.” Cosima grimaces at the thought. Is that her biggest fear perhaps? It doesn’t seem the worst thing in the world to Delphine, although maybe it would have been with Louis. She’s pleased she refused him at any rate. 

Delphine considers this for a moment, it is a possibility, if a small one, considering her brother’s varying tastes. “If she’s a protestant, he can’t marry her anyway.” 

“No?” Cosima perks up.

“Not without special dispensation from the Pope, or the Church won’t recognize the marriage. And neither would my parents.” Delphine responds with a yawn, fingers returning to Cosima’s hair. The awkwardness of the intimacy outweighed by the desire to comfort, to feel closer. At that thought, she’s suddenly thankful for her sex, if she were a man after all, she’d probably want to marry Cosima - which would be impossible. 

“Wow.” Cosima mumbles. “I guess that’s why my mom doesn’t really talk to Catholics. She seems to like you though.”

“I am not trying to marry into her family.” Delphine jokes, “anyways it doesn’t matter. You’re my friend.” Dearest friend, Delphine adds to herself. Bien-aimée. Beloved. 

“My dad always shrugs and says everybody buys shoes.” Cosima’s giggling too. “I doubt he cares what God anyone worships as long as they buy his shoes or come to him for repairs.”

“I should make us some breakfast. I’m sure your parents will be here early.” Delphine pushes herself up out of the bed, Cosima’s eyes follow her, and the thin white cotton she’s clothed in. 

“Delphine?” Cosima calls softly out from behind her as she grabs a robe rather than immediately get dressed. A luxury she’s only afforded herself since coming to Toronto. At home, she’d be dressed by now, and if she wasn’t studying, she’d be helping her mother. Braiding a little sister’s hair, she giggles to herself wondering if she should offer to braid Cosima’s. 

“Yes?” She turns to look at Cosima in her bed, looking so comfortable, yet so vulnerable. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Cosima sighs and shakes her head. “It’s nothing, do you want help with anything?”

“Come on,” Delphine offers a hand to the brunette, “I’ll make you breakfast, and braid your hair if you want me to.”

“Okay.” Cosima agrees, clasping the offered hand. 

She wants to probe deeper for a moment, wondering what is bothering Cosima so much? If there’s anything she can do to help. But they need to get going, after all, she strongly suspects Cosima’s father will show up shortly after the sun, and she has no intentions of being undressed when he gets here.


	7. Chapter 7

_Present day_

“Maman?!” Annabelle glances in her mother’s room, only to be completely alarmed not to find her mother in her chair or on her small couch. The pile of books on the side table is as consistent as ever, but her mother is nowhere to be found.

“Nurse, where is my mother?” She quickly grabs hold of one of nearby staff. This is unusual behaviour for Delphine, and her first instinct is to panic. “Has she been taken to hospital?”

“Oh, Delphine is sitting in the solarium this afternoon.” Max responds with a smile. “Your mom is doing really well.”

“In the solarium? With other residents?” Annabelle’s eyebrows raise.

“Yes.” Max smiles back, “you should go take a look.”

Annabelle seems puzzled, but continues to the solarium. She finds her mother grinning and smiling, sitting closely with another resident. They clutch each other’s hands, pet each other’s hair as they talk, completely lost in a world of their own..

She tries to remember the last time she saw her mother so happy. When they were children? When the grandchildren had come along and absolutely delighted her? As hard as Annabelle tried she could not remember her mother looking at her father like that. Or indeed, at any other adult. This was nothing like her parents uneasy truce of a marriage, where her maman would instantly drop any conversation or argument as soon as one of the children approached.

“Maman?” She calls quietly, not truly wanting to interrupt them. Not wanting to ruin this, whatever this was, for her mother.

“It’s been going on a week now.” Max comments casually from behind her. “I’ve been working here over a year and I have never seen your mom leave her room until she realized Cosima was here.”

“I”m happy my mother found a friend.” Annabelle says at first, looking over the situation it seems like more. Is her mother simply craving connection? Is this a sign that her mind is going? Or is this exactly what it seems?

“Found again is more like it. You should look at the albums.”

“My mother only lived in Toronto for two years.” Annabelle shakes her head, “in her early twenties, before she married my father.”

Matt seems to look her over carefully, “I think you should look closer.”

Annabelle does as he asks, observing quietly. Her mother doesn’t even notice her presence, she’s so wrapped up in this old friend. She suspects, but it’s not until she watches her mother lean in for a soft kiss that it truly hits her.

Her maman is in love. She’s shocked for a moment or two, before she smiles. Why deny her mother this moment? Especially now. Annabelle turns to leave, before coming face to face with another nurse gaping in horror at the scene taking place on the couch.  
 “Oh shit…” The nurse shakes her head, her Jenny name tag firmly attached to her scrubs. “Are you going to want to transfer your mom? We can definitely put her on another wing…” 

“Non…” Annabelle shakes her head without thinking. “I want my mother to be happy, and she obviously is… if it’s a bit unconventional, so what?” Her own shock hasn’t eased, but there’s no reason to interfere. And she’s not about to let anyone else interfere either. But perhaps, for now, it was best she kept this to herself. Siblings, after all, could turn this into something else.

**

  
_1952_

“Come on, Delphine.” Cosima tugs Delphine’s arm, edging her closer and closer to the water. It’s a warm June day, warm enough to go swimming, at least it should be. It’s colder than she’d liked, but she’d promised Delphine she’d take her swimming.

Delphine laughs and allows herself to be tugged into the surf, shrieking at the touch of the cold water to her feet. “It’s cold!” It's early enough in the year that the beach isn’t full, a handful of people lounge on the sand. No one quite foolhardy enough to dunk themselves into the cold water of the lake.

“It’s just colder than the air… we’ll be fine once we’re in.” Cosima insists again, not wanting to let go of Delphine’s hand. They’re both clad in one-piece bathing suits, the only kind Cosima’s parents will permit her to wear.

Giggling they wade deeper into the water, until they are up to their waists, shivering at the cold.

“It is cold…”

“Just…” Cosima lets go of Delphine’s hand only briefly to dunk herself under the water, splashing at a shrieking Delphine she laughs until they are both drenched in water. Other beach goers look at them and shake their heads. Perhaps they are too old to be acting like children.

She admits privately to herself, even as she and Delphine roughhouse in the water like overgrown children, that she wants so much more than this.

Her fantasies wander places they shouldn’t. Of taking Delphine out. Of holding her closely in her arms, of kissing her lips. She’d have to be a man to do some of the things she wants to do to Delphine. Certainly, Delphine wouldn’t want to be romanced by a girl. And yet… sometimes the way she looks at her, even now, shivering at the chill of the lake.

“It’s too cold.” Delphine is shivering next to her, “we should get out and dry off.”

Reluctantly she agrees, maybe swimming was pushing it. Even on such a warm day.

“Are you alright?” Cosima asks, once they’ve reached the shore, pulling her now sandy towel around her shoulders. “Maybe we should have stuck to the pool after all.”

“I am fine.” Delphine assures her, towelling herself off over her polka-dotted swimsuit.

“Okay, so we’ll wait another month to swim again.” Cosima offers cheekily. “We could drive out to the country. Or to Elora Gorge.” Somewhere less busy, she thinks to herself. Somewhere where she and Delphine could be alone. Being alone with Delphine was something she both craved and feared.  
 “I think that would be best. Or maybe only a couple of weeks.” Delphine considers. “Back to mine to change?”

“You don’t want to go back to Sunnyside?” Cosima offers. They’d spend the morning at the amusement park, their swimsuits already on under their clothes. They’d already tried most of the rides, though she suspected if she pushed she could sell Delphine on another round of mini golf or maybe a walk around to the old bathing pavilion.

“No. I think I’ve had enough for one day.” Delphine wrinkles her nose. “I have sand everywhere.” She picks up her blouse and skirt, shaking them out to no avail. Maybe they should have used the bathing pavilion after all.

“I used to go dancing here.” Cosima turns to Delphine as they walk back to catch the streetcar.

“There was a dancehall?”

“Yup. Stopped operating two years ago, I think I could have cried.” Cosima mumbles more to herself than Delphine. She’d grown up coming here, so many memories.

Delphine frowns. “Why did they knock it down?”

“They didn’t, the building is still there. But they’re going to demolish the whole park to put in an expressway. City plans and all that.” Cosima shrugs. Maybe taking Delphine to see a dying amusement park was simply sad. On the other than, it’s better to enjoy it while it’s still there.   
“It’s a shame.” Delphine glances around the area, still plenty of people enjoying it.

“It’s busier when the kids are out of school.”

“Not long left now.” Delphine reasons approaching the streetcar stop to wait. She pulls her skirt back on, and slides her blouse over her shoulders buttoning it back up.

Cosima watches sadly, watching the creamy skin near Delphine’s collarbones, on her legs, vanish under fabric. She knows now, what she is. This last month it’s been impossible not to see it. She’d tried working more, tried going on two ill-thought out dates with boys her friends knew. She’d even tried restricting her time with Delphine to public places, hoping that that would stop the way her heart beat faster when she was close to the blonde.

“You should put your dress back on.” Delphine advises her, her voice a low teasing whisper. “I don’t think we want the conductor to see quite that much of you.”

Cosima silently agrees, handing Delphine her towel and slipping back into her dress, buttoning it quickly over her plain black swimsuit.

She’s surprised when Delphine’s hands come to get the last couple buttons. “The streetcar is coming.” Delphine explains plainly.

“Bit cold for swimming girls,” the conductor comments as he takes their fare and waves them back onto the streetcar. They sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder.

“You’re quiet again today. Where are you?” Delphine looks over at her, hair still damp enough that the curls have not yet begun to truly reassert themselves.

Cosima hesitates to respond. “Just tired I guess.”

“Your father is working you too hard in that shoe store.” Delphine laughs a little. “I should go down there and visit you, I’ve missed you.”

She can’t say, doesn’t want to say that’s she’s volunteered to work more. Anything in an effort to fill her days. When she’s there she longs for Delphine’s company. But when she’s with her, it’s nearly as bad.

“I missed you too.” Cosima says instead, turning her head to face Delphine’s. “My parents asked me to invite you up to my uncle’s cottage. We’re going to Canada Day weekend.” It’s an invitation she’s been encouraged to offer. One that shows her parents are completely blind to her increasing affections.

“I’d like that.” Delphine responds. “And this way I won’t end up having to buy shoes!” She laughs as if this is funny, but Cosima falters. It’s not long before Delphine is nudging her off of this streetcar, and onto another. She realizes they are heading directly for Delphine’s. Perhaps she should offer to just go home.

Ever since that night she’d stayed over, her fantasies had run wild with her. Fantasies where Delphine is also like her. Where they kiss, declaring their love for each other. Where she dances with Delphine again, gently kissing her lips instead of staring intently. One where Delphine holds her tightly in her arms, returning her affection with equal fervour.

She’s unaware she’s drifted again until she feels Delphine’s hand on her face.

“What is it?” A gentle hand on her face captivates her. “What’s wrong Cosima?” Light hazel eyes beg hers for explanation, for a reason behind all of this. She knows Delphine can feel something different, at least when she starts to pull away.

“So did you go on that date, with that boy? The Italian one?” Cosima asks, abruptly changing the subject.

“Yes.” Delphine looks back at her incredulously. “What does that have to do with any of this?”

“You should take him to Sunnyside, this weekend.” Cosima suggests, “I know a really great restaurant, get fish and chips and take it out to the pier.” Remodelling her fantasies and inserting some man in her place seems a strange punishment to act out on herself. But maybe if she can push Delphine far enough away…

“Why?” Delphine hops up to get off of the streetcar, they’re close enough to walk now.

Cosima counters back without thinking. “Why not?” She keeps her voice purposefully low, they’re not alone.

“Because I’d rather go with you!” Delphine spits back, annoyed. “What is wrong that you are trying to shove me away?”

“You think I want to shove you away?” Cosima finds her lip quivering at the thought. No Delphine at all would be worse than this…half romance or whatever it was.

“Well you’re acting like it. Sometimes you’re fine and then you just go cold.” Delphine looks wounded looking back at her.

“I’m sorry.” Cosima offers, squeezing at Delphine’s hand, wanting too much to pull her into her arms. “I just figure you’d rather be with him than waste all this time with me.”

“You’re never a waste. And you know what?” Delphine leans in slightly, “I like you much better.”

She giggles, but of course Delphine cannot mean what she wants her to mean. Another fantasy has taken up refuge in her mind; two spinster school teachers who share a modest apartment, sharing their lives. Something that doesn’t quite seem possible. Some world where she and Delphine are...lovers.

“Do you mean it?” Her voice is small, vulnerable.

“Yes. Come on, let’s shower to get all the sand off and I’ll loan you some clothes and _we_ can get fish and chips and walk down the pier.” Delphine insists, nudging her towards her apartment. “Or we can do something else, whatever you like. But it did sound good.”

“I’d like that.” Cosima responds, “I just… I want to spend all my time like this.”

Delphine smiles, hooking their arms together, “Me too.”


	8. Chapter 8

She’s honestly just relieved to stretch her legs by the time they’ve driven nearly two hours outside of Toronto to Cosima’s uncle’s cottage. It’s near a small lake and promises a quieter weekend of swimming and boating, of campfires and of Cosima. She’s been looking forward to it, maybe too much.

It’s a house, Delphine observes, albeit a rustic one. She turns to find Cosima smiling, at least she’d been less distant the last week or so. She can’t stand it whenever the brunette begins to pull away from her.

Cosima’s parents begin opening doors, and windows - they’re the first out here in a few weeks.

“This is it.” Cosima offers brightly.

It’s so different from the city, Delphine smiles at the forests, a little different from home, but familiar all the same “It’s beautiful.”  She hasn’t spent much time in the wilderness, she’s been a city girl most of her life. Montréal. And then Toronto. 

Cosima’s been better, less standoffish, but she seems nervous again. “So…” Cosima shuffles her feet a little.

“Why don’t you girls go down to the water? Let us finish unpacking.” Lillian suggests, “We’ll start dinner and see you two when it’s ready.” Lillian seems content to get things unpacked and aired out on her own.

Cosima agrees readily, “Okay, come on Delphine. Let’s get out of the way.”

“Stretch your legs.” Advises Arthur, opening the trunk of the car. “I’ll put your bags upstairs.”

“What’s upstairs?” She asks Cosima as she leads her down a semi-worn path in the forest.

“Bunkbeds.” Cosima laughs, “a few of them. It’s how they cram in as many kids as possible. There’s a boys’ room and a girls’ room. Then there are two bedrooms downstairs with actual doors. I’ve never slept downstairs though. Even as an adult.” Cosima puzzles silently for a moment.

Delphine responds without thinking. “What? Why not? It’s just us, right? Your parents and us?” 

“I think so? My uncle said he was going next weekend… I have a cousin taking a week as well, with her husband.” Cosima thinks aloud, “we could sleep downstairs…I guess. But then there’s only one bed.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Delphine brushes it off, grabbing Cosima’s hand more firmly, closing her fingers around the brunette’s own. “I’m just happy to be here with you.”

“Instead of with your brother?” Cosima makes a face. Cosima had barely seen Raymond since the wedding, and perhaps it was better that way. Cosima didn’t know him at all, really.

“He is rarely home.” Delphine sighs. “You know I cannot make Raymond do anything… Maman tells me to make sure he comes to mass with me, he’s rarely home Sunday mornings. And whenever he is, he’s whining at me to close the curtains and let him sleep… I think he’s still drunk.”

“Hard to believe the two of you come from the same family…” Cosima shakes her head.

“I try to dodge the subject with my parents, but I think they know I am failing.” Delphine shakes her head. “Anyway, I am committed to teaching for the year.” She’s almost looking forward to it now. Having her own income, something to with her time, and Cosima. There would be plenty of time to spend together in the coming year.

“I can’t believe you’re going to teach French at a boys’ school.” Cosima laughs again, the thrill of it shudders through her body and somehow into Delphine’s.

“A Catholic boys’ school. And only part-time.” Delphine reminds her. “I am not a nun, the girl’s school has mostly nun teachers, though I might teach there as well in the new year. We’ll see I guess.”

“Well you’ve met the principal anyway.”

“Yes…” Delphine nods. Privately, she admits that the man makes her feel somewhat uncomfortable even being significantly older than herself. But it’s a job, and she intends to do it to the best of her ability.

“So… want to see the dock?” Cosima offers, leading her down a set of well-crafted stone steps towards a small wooden dock. A boat is tied to it, but it floats freely at the the end of the length of rope with the small waves.

“It’s rockier than I expected.” Delphine looks along the shore beside the dock. But it's smooth enough to swim. Trees litter the shoreline, and there seem to be few docks, indeed, she cannot see another dock, or a person. Perhaps, this is the way Cosima’s family likes it.

“But it’s beautiful… good place for a swim too.” Cosima adds, purposefully bumping their shoulders together as they face the blue waters of the lake.

“We don’t have swimsuits!” Delphine scolds her gently, but it seems isolated enough. They could do so, strip down and jump in… but she’d prefer they wait until it is dark at the very least.

“Oh my god, no.” Cosima shakes her head laughing, “not now.” Cosima blushes pink, her cheeks tinged by her embarrassment.

“At least not until the sun goes down.” Delphine quips in response, laughing in response.

Cosima gasps but smiles another sheepish smile. “I think we’ll have time for bathing suits then.”

“Is there anything else to see?” Delphine reaches down to slip off her shoes, sitting on the deck.

“Nope.” Cosima settles herself next to her, copying the gesture and slipping her own feet into the lake.

Delphine cannot stop herself from smiling, or the small sigh she lets own when she pulls Cosima closer, letting her head rest against the small brunette’s shoulder. She’s never felt so comfortable with anyone, never felt so drawn, so much affection. There's an irresistible sweetness in the way Cosima leans into her, throwing her own arm around her.

“I’m always so happy with you.” Delphine sighs. It’s strange, when Cosima shudders at her words, moving to hide her face in her neck. She knows that this is not mere friendship, that her connection with Cosima is more. But why must Cosima turn her face away? Why any of it? They haven’t done anything wrong, after all.

“Me too.” Cosima’s words are mumbled even as she backs up, swinging her feet down into the water again.

She kisses Cosima’s forehead, she cannot help herself. It simply looks too inviting, even as Cosima’s eyes close and a smile takes over her face, she feels the same tension again radiating off of her beloved friend.

“You need to relax.” Delphine advises, letting the water slide through her toes. “I think you need to take a break from that shoe store.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Cosima responds. “I did mix up sizes yesterday, I’ve put shoes in wrong boxes…”

“Oh no…”

“It’s okay,” Cosima reassures her, bumping their shoulders again. “My dad knows I am not going to make my life selling shoes. To his great disappointment.”

Delphine laughs. “Really?”

“Yup. He’s already talking about selling his business in ten years, or whenever he decides to retire.” Cosima grins, laying back on the warm wood of the dock.

“Is he really disappointed?”

“No.” Cosima shakes her head with a smile as Delphine lies out next to her. “He’s always known that my life would be elsewhere.”

“Teaching?” Delphine says distractedly, part of her mind fixated on watching Cosima’s face in the sun, the way it hits her eyes and brightens them. The curve of her hip as she hauls her feet free of the water and rolls onto her side.

“Married.” Cosima rolls her eyes, pushing herself back up to her feet. “Come on.” 

“What now?”

“If we don’t get there soon, my mom will put the really itchy sheets on the bunks. Come on.” Cosima offers a hand to pull Delphine back to her feet, and they’re trudging up the same stairs, barefoot and shoes in hand, towards the cottage.

“Not the blue ones!” Cosima hollers as she thumps up the stairs, expertly opening the door with one hand, while she drops her shoes on the porch with the other.

“Cosima….” Lillian appears, with the blue sheets in hand. “But they’re so lovely.”

“They’re so itchy.” Cosima shudders. “You try sleeping on them.”

Lillian sighs. “Well, you could take the other bedroom, but then Delphine will be up in the bunks alone.”

“We could share.” Delphine offers diplomatically. It’s nothing they haven’t done before. She wouldn't mind sharing a bed with Cosima. The closeness of it might even be nice, Delphine muses, especially if it gets cold.

“Oh no… it’ll probably get too hot for that.” Lillian shakes her head, “I’ll go get the white sheets. Happy?”

“Yes.” Cosima nods. “It can get warm in the loft.”

“Cosima, can you start dinner? Boil some potatoes for the potato salad and get things going. Your father is going to barbecue once he gets back with the meat.” Lillian asks, heading straight back for what Delphine can only assume is the linen closet.

Delphine finds herself peeling potatoes with Cosima, and chopping vegetables for a green salad. It’s enough to keep them busy, she likes how Cosima’s cheeks darken slightly when she gets too close. Loves the curve of her mouth when she smiles, adores the sound of her laughter. 

It's so strange how she’s become so enamoured. So attached. It’s almost a romance, Delphine muses as she mixes the salad, hearing Cosima’s father curse at the barbecue outside.  
   
“The girls will hear you, Arthur!” Lillian chides him loudly from the other side of the house as they both dissolve into incurable giggles.

Cosima’s parents, as lovely as they are, seem to treat them both like children. Perhaps because they behave like children. Cosima is somewhat childish, and with her, Delphine herself is more playful and lighthearted than ever before.

“Did you need another pork chop, Delphine?” Lillian offers, her fork hovering over the plate. She can only assume that either there are meant to be leftovers, or perhaps more of Cosima’s relatives will show up before the weekend is over.

“Oh, they’re probably full, Lillian.” Arthur comments, “I’m going to get a fire going while you girls clean up.” And he rises from the table without another word, dinner quite clearly over.

“So… any boys around?” Lillian asks mischievously as she begins to clear the plates.

“Not really.” Delphine sighs. “I went on a date but, I don’t know if I want another.” 

“It must be hard, not being able to talk French with them.” Lillian nods.

“Wait!” Cosima shakes her head, filling the sink with soapy water, “Delphine gets ‘it must be hard’ and I get try harder?”

“We’re not talking about you, Cosima. All you want to do is dance. Maybe Delphine here will be a good influence on you.” Lillian sighs, “oh let me finish here… you girls go down to the dock. Enjoy the sunset before it’s gone. And take a flashlight.”

She looks down from the deck, as Cosima briefly darts inside only to return with a small metallic flashlight in hand, assuming that is for finding their way home in the dark. As they wander back behind the cottage, back towards the lake, she realizes that it’s true. The sky is darkening, the horizon beginning to glow bright as the sun dips low in the sky, sending out cascading golden light across the low lying clouds. Oranges and purples already paint the sky, as Cosima leads onward.

“The dock?” Delphine turns to Cosima again. They’d been there already, the rocky shore, the forest. It’s beautiful, yes, but why wander down when it’s getting dark? Surely they’ll be eaten alive by mosquitos if they stay out too long.

“Come on…” Cosima urges again, taking her hand. She leads her back down the stairs, careful now not to trip and fall as she shines a light, even with the last of daylight lighting their way.

She sees it once they’re down on the dock, the sky lights up the water, the reflection doubling its beauty, its intensity.

“Mon dieu…” Delphine breathes without thinking, without even reaching to translate her thoughts. “C’est tellement beau.”

Cosima merely smiles, sitting herself down cross legged on the dock and patting it until she joins her.

“I loved this when I was a little girl.” Cosima speaks again, absently stroking her fingers through her curls, lulling her into an almost trance. “We’d swim all day, my cousins, my brothers too. And we’d watch the sunset before we all got let upstairs and put in our bunks.”

“But you’d probably giggle all night.” Delphine can see it clearly, a small Cosima, other children who resemble her.

“We did… for a while.” Cosima continues the soothing movements of her fingers. “Then my aunt would come up and scold us.”

Delphine eyes her carefully. “I cannot see you stopping easily. Even as a child. You still stomp up stairs.”

“Oh it took a few times.” Cosima laughs herself. “And … well yes. But, you still like me.”

“Yes, I do.” Delphine responds affirmatively. She cannot imagine a life where she would not like Cosima. Not completely adore Cosima. Just like this. 

They’re giggling madly again, totally fixated on each other as per usual. The dock is firm underneath them, and the sun is nearly down, casting an odd glow onto the water. 

Delphine leans in slowly, kissing Cosima’s left cheek and then the right. But it’s slow, so slow, not like the quick pecks she customarily gives her family and friends.

She doesn’t mean to do it, doesn’t plan it, but looking at Cosima’s lips so close, it’s so easy. Their lips fit together softly, just the ghost of a kiss. She pulls away at first, unsure of what to think. Surely, this is not quite what she had in mind, even if her love for Cosima is stronger than anything she’s known.

 “Are you okay?” Cosima breathes at her, “is this… is this okay?” The brunette leans back in, lips pressing more firmly this time, coaxing her into another kiss.

One kiss leads easily to another, feeling dazed as Cosima’s lips fit themselves softly against her own, a tiny noise from the back of Cosima’s throat has her set alight suddenly, kissing more firmly.

“Delphine.” Cosima sighs, running a single finger down her cheek, up her forehead and down to the tip of her nose. 

She catches the wandering finger, kissing it soundly, to the perfection that is another whimper from Cosima. Delphine leans in again, kissing Cosima’s upper lip, arms going around her. It’s addictive, kissing Cosima. She hadn’t been expecting that, not the sweetness of it, not how warm she feels as Cosima kisses back intently.

Delphine understands now, sitting next to Cosima on a warm summer night, what passion is. Though why hers is brought on by Cosima, remains a mystery.


	9. Chapter 9

“Hmm.” Cosima hums happily from the dock, she’s sitting across Delphine’s lap. Another kiss makes her shiver down to her toes. It’s perfect, she cannot imagine anything better. How could this be wrong? How could this be anything but perfect?

“Ça va?” Delphine mumbles down at her, nuzzling her cheek.

“What?” Cosima looks up, meeting Delphine’s eyes finally. The blonde looks peaceful, almost dazed.

“Are you alright?” Delphine asks again, pulling back but not letting her hands leave their place around Cosima.

She’s not sure what to say. Is there anything she could tell Delphine that would make this okay? That would suddenly erase the barriers that should exist between them? What they are? What will happen to them now? She cannot imagine a world in which her parents would sit idly by and permit her to build a life with Delphine. Would she fall headfirst into disaster? Would she end up ruining both of their lives? Surely, this wasn’t truly possible.

But then Delphine strokes a lock of hair back from her face, face glowing and eyes tender. She feels it in her chest, love bubbling up in her at something so small, at any action of affection from the blonde.

“I love you…” Cosima offers shyly, her voice no more than a whisper. Could Delphine return her love as fiercely as she herself feels it?

Delphine smiles slowly back at her, fingers stroking her cheek in response. “Cosima.” Three accented syllables emerge from swollen lips, before another kiss follows.

Cosima smiles into the soft kiss. This is exactly what she wanted. But there’s a fear than never quite leaves her, even as Delphine lips coax, as their kiss slowly deepens. What will happen to them now? They can’t hide out here on the dock for the rest of their lives. Or move into the middle of nowhere together, and avoid the rest of the world. Is there any way that this could work?

Delphine senses her distraction and pulls back, stroking her hair soothingly. “Oh Cosima…”

“What are we going to do?” She looks at Delphine worriedly when the blonde finally pulls back from her lips.

“What do you mean?” Delphine’s voice is breathier than she’s ever heard it before, and it excites her in a way that shocks her. She’d thought herself immune to this, impervious to ...arousal. The little petting she’d done had bored her to tears, she’d avoided it when possible. But with Delphine, Cosima stops herself from thinking any further, a little moan escaping from her own mouth.

“I love you!” Cosima says again, more bravely this time. “I… I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to be with you. I want to have this, all the time.”

“Why can’t we?” Delphine tries to soothe her, with soft words and soft hands caressing her face.

“Delphine, you know what this makes us… we’re homosexuals.” She drops her voice to a bare whisper. It’s nothing she’s ever let herself say aloud, even during the last couple months when she’d known it to be true. Now, she cannot make herself feel anything but certain.

“Non, this isn’t… this is not…” Delphine shakes her head, her curls bouncing around wildly in her instantaneous distress. Wide panicked eyes meet her own, and Cosima has a hard time understanding why. Delphine is intelligent, certainly she must know.

Cosima stops, reaching out a hand for Delphine’s shoulder. “Delphine… that’s what-“

“I love you.” Delphine protests openly. “I am not like _that!_ I just love you!” Her voice breaks and it’s heartbreaking.

“I love you too.” Cosima promises instead of arguing, leaning in for another kiss, sweet and quick against her mouth. If Delphine won’t believe that, then they have no chance at anything.

"We aren't like _that_ ,” Delphine insists, “we _love_ each other!” The blonde is vehement, as if that makes all the difference in the world.

“I’m still a woman, Delphine.” Cosima responds very quietly. Is this fear? What is this? How could the québecoise deny this now?

“But… we aren’t… We can’t be… C’est pas…” Delphine seems to give up, and instead squeezes her hand. Eyes begging her to stop, to let this go. As if avoiding the words made them less… damned.

“Okay…” Cosima agrees, unsure of how else to comfort her. The mood broken, it only makes sense to go back. Back to reality, and the watchful eyes of her family.

It’s difficult, to stumble their way back up to the cottage in the dark, the flashlight only managing to illuminate one step at a time. It’s probably made more challenging by refusing to let go of Delphine’s hand.

“Enjoy the sunset, girls?” Arthur sits in an armchair near the hearth, poking at the embers of a fire that is close to out.  
 “Yes. It was beautiful.” Delphine nods, and then moves her way upstairs. It’s easy enough to conceal the blush on her cheeks in the dark.

“Your mother’s gone to bed.” Arthur states simply. “I’ll be up until the fire here goes out. What kept you out so long?”

“Stargazing.” Cosima answers without thinking. “I really enjoyed it, so did Delphine.”

“And gossiping,” Arthur adds with a shake of his greying head, “talking about boys and dancing and clothes…”

Cosima leaves her father to his moodiness, and heads for the stairs instead. It’s a comfort, that he cannot tell, that he has no idea of the love growing between her and Delphine. As soon as she reaches the smaller loft room, two sets of bunk beds, with only the bottom bunks made up. She’s instead confronted by the sight of Delphine’s bare back, only for a moment, before thin white cotton covers pale skin again.

“Oh.” She says without meaning to. The desire she feels surprises her, and she knows instantly that it wouldn’t take much to just reach out and...

“Cosima…” Delphine turns around, “I was just getting ready for bed.”

“I know… Me too.” She turns to change again, but as she does she finds herself wondering if Delphine is watching her. If those hazel eyes she adores so much are tracing her own exposed skin as she throws her own nightgown over her head. She flicks off the light and crawls to her bunk. As soon as her eyes adjust, she can’t stop looking at Delphine. Allowing her gaze to roam freely. Curls stretch out across the thin pillow, and her eyes are drawn downward, to the swell of Delphine’s hip as she lays on her side. Cosima swallows, the same rush filling her, again the heat settling lower in her body than she’d like to admit. And the craving, the craving to be closer.

“Delphine…”

“Oui?”

Cosima bites her own lip, a habit of Delphine’s she’s accidentally acquired. “Can I crawl in with you.”

“I…” Delphine sounds nervous for a moment. “I don’t think that would be a good idea, ma chérie.”

“Please.” It feels like life and death, but instead of an answer she hears footsteps on the floor, and a hip push her back on the small mattress before Delphine sits, bending down over her.

She rolls to her back instantly, inviting attention. Lips brush her own, softly at first, and then probing deeper. Her own hands move across Delphine’s ribs, able to make out the delicate bones there.

Delphine’s kiss is like nothing else, soft, passionate. And she gives herself over to it completely. The night is cool, but she’s never felt so warm in her life, clinging to Delphine who seems to relax, letting her weight settle on her, as she hauls her back into another kiss.

A heat sears through her, and Delphine breaks back from her, breathing heavily and looking almost feverish. “C’est trop.”

“Yes.” Cosima agrees, even unsure of what she’s doing as she reaches for Delphine again, this time kissing her neck.

A low groan emerges near her ear and arms grab her more firmly. She’s pinned against Delphine, and certain that she is going to burst if things between them go any further. And for a brief moment, she wonders what will come next, but instead she feels Delphine shudder and pull away.

“J’ai peur…” A soft voice whispers, stroking her hair. “On doit arrêter.”

“What?”

“Cosima… I’m scared.” Delphine repeats in English, laying next to her, creating a small semblance of space between their warmed bodies.

“Why?” Cosima tilts her head. Why be scared now? It’s not like anything can come from this. The only consequence would be if they are discovered, a possibility she cannot think on now.

Delphine hesitates to respond, and even in the dark she can tell the blonde is biting her lip again. “It hurts.”

“What does?” Cosima asks, though she feels tension in her own body, an aching she’s not eager to name. Does Delphine feel the same? Or is it something else entirely?

A shake of a curly head proceeds Delphine slipping back to the other bunk, crawling back into the bed.

The weekend passes much the same as she’d planned, walks with Delphine in the woods, swimming off the dock, meals with her family. Who needs to know that she kisses Delphine whenever they’re alone together. Or that they’d kissed in the woods, as she’d thrown her arms around the neck of the quebecoise. Or that she wasn’t sure how she managed to stay in her own bunk at night, with Delphine tossing and turning across from her, just as enamoured.

It could be perfect, Cosima thought, discreetly holding Delphine’s hand in the car on the way back. They could be careful, and have each other.


	10. Chapter 10

_2016_

“Mom?’ Laura knocks softly on her mom’s door. “Mom, can I come in?”

“Yes.” The single word is muffled by the door, but she turns the handle anyways. Her mother is sitting on her loveseat, looking through a photo album.

“Well, it looks like you’ve settled in.” Laura comments cautiously, all too aware of the fights she and her mother fall into if she doesn’t watch her words.

“Where’s Stephen?” Cosima asks, glancing around her daughter as if she expects her son-in-law to lean in behind her.

Laura begins to giggle slightly, the smile on her face makes her look younger, even with her rapidly greying hair. “Oh he… got a little delayed.”

Cosima raises an eyebrow. “Come, at look at this picture.”

Laura has to admit, that first her eyes are drawn to the framed picture sitting on the end table besides the couch, her mother, twenty-five years younger, with her three grandsons perched on either side of her and her lap. All smiles and silliness. Her beautiful boys. But the photo her mother is fixated on is older, black and white, featuring her grandparents, mother and a young blonde woman she doesn’t recognize.

“Is that a cousin? A friend?” Laura prompts absentmindedly, a faint smile appearing at the thought of her grandparents.

“That, mouse, is Delphine… my sweetheart.” Cosima smooths her wrinkled hands over the plasticky covering of the photos.

“Even then?” Laura asks openly, the childhood endearment relaxes her somehow. At any rate, it seemed another yelling match with her mother was not on the to-do list for the day. She wasn’t sure what to think of her mother having had a sweetheart before her parents’ short lived marriage.

“Yes. Delphine was my first love. And she’s here…just down the hall.” The joy on her mother’s face is contagious and she smiles back.

“Good, I’m so happy for you mom. You’ve reconnected.” Laura nods contentedly, this would keep her mother here and happy with life. This is exactly what they needed.

“Now..” Cosima reaches to squeeze her daughter’s hand, “show me the latest pictures of my great-granddaughter.”

She’s found the tablet in seconds, quickly swiping it open and showing Cosima the latest set of photos of the increasingly chubby infant that is her own granddaughter.

“She looks like James” Cosima comments, “everything. The hair. Those cheeks.”

Laura smiles conspiratorially, “I agree, but you know Katie doesn’t want to hear it, I think she still wants Stella to look like her. Keeps saying that it’s hard to tell at five months… But sit this picture next to one of baby James and it’s obvious.”

“James looks like my dad, more and more each year.” Cosima muses aloud, skimming the photos of her eldest grandson and his family. “They look good, tired and happy.”

“So where is this Delphine?” Laura asks as the photos merge into those of her other boys cheerfully holding up their niece for the camera.

“Getting her nails done… I had my appointment earlier this morning, she’s coming by right after.” Her mother responds, finally expressing an emotion closer to calm than she’s seen since insisting her mother move into the nursing home.

“So… should I pry and ask about you when you were really young?” Laura finds herself enchanted by this idea, her mother finding a lost love… and how incredible would this story be? She could assume a few details, that Delphine and her mother lost touch after getting married, following the societal script they were supposed to. But there has to be more than that.

“Knock, knock.” Stephen enters without warning, and quickly moves to give his mother-in-law a quick hug. “How are you holding up Cosima? Am I going to have to play referee again?”

“My love,” Laura looks at Stephen pointedly, “this is exactly why I told you to pass on the collar. You’ll end up sitting with six different residents before you even get to my mother.”

“It was only two…” Stephen shrugs, “the third was unhappy with my denomination and decided he did not want to talk to a United Church minister after all.”

“You missed something good.” Laura teases her husband, even as she shifts to allow him to sit next to her, his arm going around her nearly as quickly.

“More grandbaby pictures?” Stephen smiles, he too is entirely enamoured with Stella.

“Even better.” Laura can’t resist from teasing again. “Then again, Stella is pretty amazing. At least to us.”

“What?” Stephen looks from his wife to Cosima, and cannot seem to figure it out.

“Mom’s in love!” Laura crows delightedly.

“Already?” Stephen stifles a laugh, not wanting to upset the delicate balance between his wife and her mother.

“That.” Cosima states matter-of-factly, “sounds like I am having a random love affair. I met Delphine again, after decades apart. And, it’s so easy to fall for her again.”

“I think I am supposed to ask who Delphine is, or did she just tell you the story?” Stephen probes curiously.

“Nope, we’re just getting started.” Laura prompts, returning her attention to her mother.

 

**

 

“Mon amour,” Delphine’s voice calls as she opens the door, happily gliding into the room. “What do you think? Oh!”

“This is Delphine,” Cosima smiles even more, if that’s possible. At first, she misses the confusion, the way her lover’s eyes are narrowed, the unsure look on her face.

“Why is there a priest in your room?” Delphine’s eyes are glued to the collar, missing nearly everything else. Laura rolls her eyes and jabs her elbow at her husband, but not before Cosima leaps in to smooth things over.

“Oh no, Delphine, that’s my son-in-law, Stephen. You know, Laura’s husband?” Cosima tries to stand, leaning for her walker to support her as she makes her way to Delphine. “And he’s a minister, yes.”

“Oh.” Delphine blinks for a couple moments. Whether she’s confused or simply processing, Cosima cannot tell. She hadn’t even thought to tell Delphine that her son-in-law was a minister, it simply hadn’t seemed relevant, and hadn’t been in a long time.

“Laura and Stephen, meet Delphine.” Cosima attempts the introduction again, reaching for Delphine’s hand.

“Enchante.” Delphine extends her hand, shaking first Laura’s hand, and then Stephen’s.

 

**

  
“Your family seems nice,” Delphine comments later, curled up on the couch with her arm around Cosima. The visit had been pleasant, a taste of Cosima’s family life, but has left her feeling a little fatigued.

“And you haven’t met my grandsons yet. Or my great-granddaughter…” Cosima smiles happily, “Do you have grandchildren?”

“Yes.” Delphine nods confidently, “lots of them.”

“I should look through your photos, I want to see how many of them look like you.” Cosima grins again, stretching her aching limbs slowly. And she’s apt to convince Delphine to go fetch the photo album, to turn on her CD player and try to find some music, to keep Delphine with her, all night.

“Lights out.” A nurse pops her head in, “back to your own room, Delphine. Let your friend get some rest.”

Delphine stands reluctantly, giving Cosima’s forehead a quick kiss before slipping reluctantly from the room. As if they’re children, the nurse seems to believe they must be separated before bed.

It’s a delight, no more than an hour later, when she stirs to a soft, familiar knocking on the door. The gentle shuffling sound of Delphine silently removing her slippers, before sitting herself down on the edge of the bed. Her grey hair now loose, and hanging down around her shoulders. Though, Cosima thinks, even as her eyes adjust to the darkness she cannot truly see the colour now. It could as easily be the warm blonde colour she remembered so well. And as lips gently dip to her own, she couldn’t remember anything but the familiarity of Delphine’s kiss, of Delphine’s hands stroking her hair, of the weight of Delphine’s body as she eases herself down over her, coaxing her to arousal with intent kisses.

“Do you want me to stay?” Delphine mumbles, even as her own hands work the fastenings of Delphine’s dressing gown, letting it fall behind them, as she’s straddled, the warm cotton of their nightgowns becoming an annoying barrier. It’s been years, and she finds herself feeling, almost young, invigorated by her love, by her desire.

“Yes.” Cosima breathes, letting her hands do the rest, and slipping under the fabric. She begins to lose herself in the newness and the familiarity of Delphine’s body.

 

**

_1952_

 

“Cosima!” Delphine giggles madly as they race back up to the apartment. The last three weeks have been the best of her life. Evenings out with Cosima, and briefly stolen kisses whenever they got the chance. Movies and dancing, walking arm in arm in the dark, everyone around them totally ignorant of their love.

“Is Raymond home?” Cosima asks hesitantly.

“Non… His new habit of staying home seems to have changed again.” Her brother’s behaviour lately had proven a problem, especially since if she wants to kiss and hold Cosima, it must be done in private. They wouldn’t understand, Delphine knows instinctively, not that this is love. That this is precious and must be protected. She cannot imagine making anyone understand, anyone, that is, except Cosima.

“Wine and records?” Her sweet Cosima asks hopefully, leaning in behind her as she works the key into the lock, hearing the click before easing the door open.

“Yes,” she smiles back. But neither the wine, nor the record player are touched upon entering the apartment. After a cautious moment, listening for any sign that her brother is actually home, Cosima reaches out for her. It’s soft, at first, Cosima’s lips softly moving against her own. But as soon as she responds, the kiss deepens, and she’s forgotten about the wine completely.

Instead of putting on music, she hums into Cosima’s kiss. Her arms wrap around the brunette, pulling her closer as she kisses back with equal intensity. She murmurs something to her love, unsure if she told her she loved her or simply spouted nonsense between kisses.

“Music?” Cosima breathes out between kisses, her hands running around between her blouse and skirt, as if she could make the fabric thin or dissolve between them. She feels warm again, face becoming more flushed by the moment. Perhaps she was becoming an addict for Cosima’s kisses.

“Do you want music?” Delphine leans back for a moment, and when Cosima nods, she moves to put a record on, but no sooner she has set the needle have her lips been claimed again. She thought there’d be dancing, but kissing seems to take up all of their thoughts and they do little more than sway to the music, lips meeting again and again until she has no doubts left that their lips are swollen.

Her tongue teases at Cosima’s bottom lip, and to her surprise she opens to her, allowing her tongue entry, to taste and briefly touch her own. She’d never enjoyed this part of kissing before, but with Cosima sucking on her tongue before retreating, before moving to suck on Cosima’s bottom lip, she’s not sure there’s anything she wouldn’t enjoy.

Even so, the pesky heat settles low in her body, and Cosima too becomes more and more impassioned, but it’s several seconds more of foggy thinking before she notices that Cosima has pushed her gently back towards her bedroom door, that they move closer and closer to her bed.

She shudders at the next kiss, and she’s unsure whether it’s nerves or excitement, they’d been so careful to only kiss standing up since the cottage. To not push too far, and yet, she pulls Cosima back as she sits on her bed, moving to make room for her. Will it be too much? Will she begin to ache terribly again? Delphine should care, should insist they return to the living room, to dancing and giggling conversations and wine and light sweet kisses with her love. But instead she’s lost in Cosima’s eyes, the tawny brown seeming very dark now, pupils wide and fixated, her cheeks flushed and lips plump from kissing.

“T’es belle.” Delphine says simply, stroking Cosima’s hair. “T’es tellement belle.”

“Can I?” Cosima works several buttons of her own blouse, and then Delphine’s. “I’m just… I’m getting so warm.”

“Yes.” Seeing more of Cosima, more of Cosima’s beauty doesn’t seem wrong, not now. Delphine pulls Cosima on top of her, the little laugh her love lets out another delight. She kisses her firmly, intently, yielding to this feeling, whatever it is. A few minutes more, and then she’ll stop. She’ll turn gentle again.

Instead, somehow one of her hands ends up reaching under Cosima’s skirt, sliding up the smooth silk of her stocking to her hot thigh, feeling the straps of her garters and so much bare skin. Delphine lets out a deep moan, the little sounds they both making during kisses seeming very quiet to her now. She stops, guiltily, moving to lie down next to Cosima, catching her hand and kissing it intently instead.

“I’m sorry.” Delphine offers.

Cosima looks at her, looking almost intoxicated. “Don’t be. It was… it was really…” For once, words seem to fail her beloved. “I wanted it.” Cosima decides instead of trying to describe it. “I want your hands on me.”

“How are you feeling? Do you... hurt? Do you want to stop?” Delphine asks instead, trying to suppress the sharp thrill running down her body at Cosima’s words. The warmth and aching is back, but she hopes it’s just her. She certainly doesn’t want Cosima to ache or suffer, even in passion.

Cosima lets her eyes close, but a strange smile is on her face. “I feel good, but… it does hurt. Maybe, just for a little while?”

“Oh… mon amour.” Delphine looks at Cosima again, “we can just stay like this, for a little while.” She’s charmed by her, even now, so reluctant to move, to create any distance between them.

“Do you know?” Cosima asks, her breathing slowing down as they lay side by side, hands still clutched firmly together. “Have you ever…?”

Cosima doesn’t have to elaborate, they know, they both know where this is going. Or rather, where it would go if one of them were a man.

“No…”Delphine starts softly, unsure of why Cosima assumes she might know. “But I saw horses mate when I was a child.” She offers. It’s not the same, surely. But she understands the mechanics to an extent. Not that that applies with her Cosima. She cannot do that to her, after all, and must continue to quash the desire to.

“Your parents let you watch horses mate!?” Cosima sits up in shock, still flushed and shaky.

“I understand the concept, but… I am not a man, Cosima. I cannot…” Delphine trails off, searching for the right word.

“I want us to…” Cosima sighs, moving closer as her hands reach for the remaining buttons on Delphine’s blouse. She dips her head as she parts the pale blue fabric, lips dipping lower to leave a soft kiss on the exposed swell of her breast just above her bra.

Cosima doesn’t need to say it, she knows. “Yes.” Delphine answers, “come here. Come closer.” Whatever this will lead to, she needs Cosima. Needs her so much closer. She just hopes it’s not a disappointment for both of them.

“I want us to make love…” Cosima breathes finally, recapturing her mouth, another searing kiss and another until her tongue slips into her mouth again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not truly happy with this chapter, but posting it anyways.

_2016_

It doesn’t matter, Cosima realizes giddly in Delphine’s arms. Not that their bodies are old and veiny, not that they’re so easily chilled by the night air that they must keep the comforter wrapped around them as they pleasure each other. She remembers winter nights, where they’d been too hot, too lost in passion to consider cold. Even the years apart seem distant now, neither of them hesitant, Delphine’s little whimpers exactly the same. It had been easy, part of her remembered what to do. Else, they were simply lucky enough to fumble their way along, like they had as girls. This, parts of it anyway, had not truly changed that much. What pleases Delphine, is still much like it was decades ago. And her own feelings, those too have stayed the same.

“Je t’aime…” Delphine whispers, shifting on her again, gray curls falling into her face.

“Touch me.” Cosima breathes back. This is familiar, so familiar. “I want you to touch me.”

And, she does.

**

A panicked nurse runs up the hallway, her dyed blonde ponytail flying behind her. The other night staff looking at the frantic young woman with a mix of amusement and terror. The best shifts, after all, were the less eventful ones.

“Missing resident, Delphine Cormier isn’t in her room.” The nurse cringes as she reports the missing resident breathlessly to the front desk. Her pristine name badge stuck to her scrubs, she’d only been on the unit for a week, and already her first disaster.

“Check the common areas, Mandy.” The head nurse, Pam, shakes her head. “We’re calling it a code yellow. Delphine is definitely mobile enough to get out, I’m just not sure how we didn’t catch it. This is a locked ward, but I’ll call her children.”

“Should I check the other rooms? She might be confused on someone’s couch? Or in a common area?”

“Discreetly,” Pam nods finally, “do not wake anyone. Go quickly. I should call Dr. Smith as well.”

Pam grimaces, as she waits, allowing the phone to ring. “Hello, is this Annabelle Rousseau?”

She pauses, “Yes, this is Pam at… Yes your mother, Delphine isn’t in her room…. I’m sorry, I will have to call your brother …. No, that is the policy that you put in place…. No I can’t delay… Yes, I will update when we have news.”

Putting down the phone, she selects the next number. “Alain Rousseau? Yes this is Pam, I’m the charge nurse on the night shift. Yes, I’m calling about your mother… She’s gone missing, but we will find her.”

An angry voice emerges from the phone. “She lives on a closed ward!” The man exclaims loudly, “are you totally incompetent? My mother cannot be allowed out, she’d get lost.”

**

  
Mandy quietly opens the doors near Delphine, but every resident she sees is snoozing soundly, or annoying a personal support worker about soiled sheets or missing objects. She’d checked the common areas first, before reporting back to Pam, who was in the process of contacting other floors after calling Delphine’s family. Delphine, as far she knew, was usually a loner. This was a task to confirm that

Albert. Maria. Valentina. Muriel. Lyle. Ruth… all sleeping. No Delphine to be found in their rooms or private washrooms. No Delphine sleeping on their couches. Or staring at photographs. She’d gotten the old lady smackdown a few times at this job, but Delphine hadn’t seemed like much trouble. Kept to herself, still largely mobile. Mandy shakes her head, moving towards the doors. She’d seen Delphine with only one other resident, perhaps she’d simply forgotten the time and gone to bother Cosima during the night. Confused? Dementia? Whatever.

Mandy quietly opens the door, at first, she sees nothing. But a low, drawn out moan causes her to swing the door open. The comforter is thrown up over the bed, but it’s moving, her brow furrows. Surely there cannot be some sort of illicit romance going on.

“Someone’s there.” Cosima’s voice emerges first.

“Non…” The other voice is female, accented.

“Jesus Fucking Christ!” Mandy shrieks, running from the room. “Pam! Pam! I found Delphine!”

“Oh hell no,” Cosima groans.

“Well, at least she couldn’t have seen much?” Delphine offers helpfully, settling down into her lover’s arms. At least they’d finished, it could have been much worse.

“Yeah, but here, you know they’re not exactly gay friendly…” Cosima warns her. “And they thought you were missing, which means.”

“They are going to call my children. Or they already have.” Delphine surmises glumly. “I have no intention of being restricted to my own bed like some sort of young girl. What is the sense of imposing a curfew now?”

“I don’t want you to stay there either.” Cosima assures her. “I know other floors have couples rooms, but not the closed wards….”

“I think you have to be married for that.” Delphine shakes her head, leaning in to kiss Cosima again.

“Yes,” Cosima says, yawning contentedly. “You do.” She bumps Delphine’s noses playfully with her own as she smiles.

**

 

_1952_

Cosima sighs against the soft flesh of Delphine’s breast. Her lips dance along the exposed skin, laying little kisses, even as she shyly moves to remove the blonde’s blouse.

She’s barely engaged in petting, a date’s hand wandering under her blouse the furthest she’s ever gone. But with Delphine splayed out, flushed and uncertain on the bed she wants everything. She wasn’t completely ignorant, she’s sure neither of them are, despite inexperience. There are things she can do to Delphine, things that her friend Sadie should have stuck to doing if she hadn’t wanted to get married in such a rush.

“Delphine?” She looks for a response for a minute, a slight nod, and she continues pushing the blouse off Delphine’s shoulders until it’s pinned between the blonde and the mattress.

The bra is delicate, plain white, and Cosima gently reaches beneath her to unclasp Delphine’s skirt, sliding that off long legs before casting the garment onto the floor. Leaving Delphine in only a thin slip covering her thighs.

Delphine whimpers, and she rushes to reassure her with sweet kisses, to her lips, to her cheeks, to her neck.

“What is it?” Cosima asks, wondering if Delphine has changed her mind, instead, hands work the buttons on her dress, slow and steady, her own hands going to help Delphine’s. She herself is becoming some sort of wicked addict, some sort of love-crazed fiend. She understands, she finally understand desire.

“I feel so hot…” Delphine moans gently, working off both of their layers, trying to get at skin. Slippery undergarments slide under warm hands, then underneath in an effort to get them off. They’re both shivering, nerves and excitement. Even with Delphine’s trembling hands, she excites her.

The dress is cast of nearly as quickly, her own undergarments mirroring Delphine’s. Bra, half-slip, panties. Delphine immediately tugs down her slip, early nimble fingers working her garters and allowing silk stockings to fall to the floor. But when Cosima reaches to do the same, she finds herself fixated on the softness of Delphine’s thigh, eventually she leans in to kiss it, again, drawing in slow breathes that smell like Delphine...and desire.

Cosima lets out a whine, before she’s pulled back to Delphine’s mouth, kisses that make her short of breath. Delphine unclasps her own stockings letting them fall. Her hands remove the garter belt without looking,

Her breasts are bare to Delphine before she really has time to think about it, cotton panties the only layer left between their bodies. She’s not sure whether it’s nerves or excitement anymore, but the way Delphine’s eyes skate down over her form has her whimpering again.

“Come here…” Delphine breathes to her, and she does, she settles over the blonde’s nearly bare body, allowing Delphine to cradle her with her hips. And they’re so close, she stops herself for a minute. The sheer warmth she can feel coming off of Delphine has her stunned.

“Oh my god.” Cosima sighs, easing herself down with another soft kiss. She’d had a plan, and yet now when Delphine reaches to ease the last bit of fabric off her body she is the nervous one.

“Je t’aime… et j’ai envie de toi.” Delphine whispers to her in a low determined voice, “I want to…”

“You…?” She laughs slightly, but allows Delphine to continue until they are both bare. Dark curls at the apex of her thighs, barely concealing her swollen sex. She’s not completely ignorant, she knows that she’s aching madly, knows that the wetness she feels against her body is coming from Delphine, knows what it means. But this is new.

“I want us to make love too.” Delphine assures with kisses.

Delphine’s legs wrap around her hips, and she swears she’s on fire. She can feel everything, the intense warmth against her skin, how slick she is, how their bodies want this. She lets out a strangled sound.

“My hands… I’ll use my hands.” Delphine offers, running them up against her sides as she does. The gentle touch is enough to propel her forwards.

She kisses her hard instead, rocking her hips instinctually down, feeling Delphine’s echo her movement, even as she shifts to bring her own hand down between them.

The first tender touch is met with a gasp from Delphine, and a rush of her own arousal. She strokes gently, in an effort to please.

“Ohh.” Delphine merely moans softly, hands pulling at her shoulder and back. There is no sign of the expected nerves in Delphine, none of the ‘holding-back’ Cosima was convinced she’d do.

“Like this?” Cosima offers, letting her fingers slide across slick flesh, trying to see what would bring Delphine the most pleasure.

She’s met with a nod from Delphine’s beautiful flushed face.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine speaks clearly, moving to cup her face.

Surely, Delphine must know how much she loves her. She moves again, learning the curves and folds. She finds her entrance easily, and teases it with a fingertip, no more. But Delphine lets out a desperate sound, hips pushing back up at her. There doesn’t seem to be a way to do this wrong, everything she does has Delphine looking at her with adoring eyes, or stroking at her cheeks and hair.

“Oui. Fais-le.” Delphine begs. She’s sure this will ease the aching, and she presses gently, surprised with how easily Delphine’s body accepts it. The smell of Delphine alone has her head spinning madly, how could this be wrong?

“Oh.” Cosima smiles at the warmth, at how easy this is. Stroking Delphine, pushing into Delphine. Her love, She doesn’t feel guilty, doesn’t feel anything but this absolute enthrallment. She toys with the swelling bud of her beloved’s desire, but it’s Cosima’s own heart that feels like it will burst.

“I want you to…” Delphine offers, one of her own hands pushing at Cosima’s wrist, encouraging her to slide deeper, to touch more, to take. Whatever uncertainty is left dissolves in Delphine’s loving arms, in the sweetness of their lovemaking. It’s enough, it’s more than enough, Cosima realizes with relief.

It’s remarkably easy, all warmth and moaning, even as it draws out for minutes, Delphine becoming more and more desperate, her noises increasing in frequency and depth. Until finally, Delphine stills, stopping her.

“Are you… ? Is that it?” Cosima breathes, trying to keep the gentle laughter they’d shared out of her voice.

But instead of a response in words, Delphine begins to cry. Clinging to her as if she’s some sort of life preserver, the tears come fast and furious. She tries reassuring her, kissing her cheeks and forehead, stroking her bare back, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. None at all.

“Did I… did I do something wrong?” Cosima finally asks, in a very small voice. “Did I hurt you?”

“Non… no pain at all.” Delphine assures her, disturbed at her distress. “I just… I just love you so much. And I… I can’t have… I love you. I just… I need…” The québecoise continues to struggle with words, leaving Cosima completely uncertain, even as the tears halt themselves.

Delphine shakes for a moment, before moving to roll her to her back. She is pressed back on the bed, her beloved’s own hand going to mimic the same movement as earlier. She cries out loudly at the first touch of Delphine’s fingers. But her lover is content to play with her, all light stroking, experimental and tentative.

“I’m… I’m making love to you.” Delphine murmurs finally, putting name to this. In words that Cosima can understand.

“Yes.” She smiles back.

“Oh chérie…” Delphine coos at her. She’s never seen Delphine this emotional, then again, she’s not much better. .

“Inside. Inside. Inside.” Cosima pleads softly under her breath. She knows that that will ease the aching, and strange as it is, the feeling of Delphine’s soft slender fingers captivates her.

“Ça te plaît?” Delphine whispers gently, looking for some kind of response, her hand still moving experimentally as if she could master this by a process of trial and error. Unlike her earlier explorations, Delphine thrusts, teasing another finger into her entrance until she feels stretched around two slender digits.

“Oh…” Cosima lets herself moan freely. Losing herself in this, in their shared passion, in this love.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter, but, it's an update.

“My mother is not a lesbian!” Alain exclaims, pacing the floor of the small office. “This is a sign of her worsening dementia. And you obviously have a predator on this floor, that woman should be kept elsewhere. Or supervised.”

“Alain, you need to calm down.” Annabelle addresses her older brother, arms crossed across her chest.

“How are you so calm? Really?” Alain shakes his head. “Es-tu folle?”

“When was the last time you visited maman?” Annabelle tosses back, totally serene. “This isn’t the end of the world.”

Alain turns to respond to his sister, but is interrupted as he raises his finger and is prevented from starting in on a lengthy rant.

Dr. Smith regards the two, “we should really wait for your sister Nathalie before …”

“She’s on her way, from Québec” Both chorus together.

“So were you,” Dr. Smith sits back in his chair, and plays with his coffee. He plays with his muffin wrapper, trying to ignore the conflict.

“Alain, is in Montréal.” Annabelle surmises, “I split my time between Toronto and Montréal, Nathalie is in Québec City, works for the provincial government.” She emphasizes the difference, “she’ll be here soon. I’m sure of it. She won’t want to miss this.” She laughs slightly, to the horror of her brother. Alain had been surprised that Nathalie insisted on flying out for this, on being involved. Somehow, Annabelle wasn’t.

The door flies open as if on cue.

“Allô!” Nathalie rushes in, her hair dyed blonde to hide the grey. “I’m sorry, I had to let my sons know what was going on.”

“Ils ont dix-neuf et vingt-et-un ans, Nathalie…They don’t care about their mémère having sex in the nursing home.” Annabelle shakes her head. “Anyway, it is good to see you.”

“Anyways, can you all sit down, please?” Dr. Smith attempts again.

Nathalie sits next to her sister, leaning in to squeeze her arm, as Alain stares forward blankly. The girls share more of a resemblance to their mother, Dr. Smith notes mentally, but he sees a family resemblance in all of them. Though perhaps, outward similarities is where it ends.

“I think it’s great!” Nathalie laughs, “get it, mom! I mean she’s been lonely a long time, I tried to get her to date thirty years ago, isn’t it good she’s found a man she likes?”

“The other resident is a woman, Nathalie.” Annabelle informs her sister, cutting off Alain before he can speak.

“Yes, Cosima Niehaus.” Dr. Scott Smith confirms with a nod. “The two were found in Cosima’s room.”

Nathalie turns to Annabelle, mouth opening, as if to say something.

Alain starts in angrily. “Which is why we need our mother moved. She needs to be kept away from anyone who would prey on her.”

“Actually your mother was on top. Cosima uses a walker, and is less mobile than Delphine, so if we’re going to call anyone a predator, it’d have to be your mother.” Dr. Smith sighs, trying to remain as calm as possible as the three break into rapidly spat out French.

**

_1952_

Cosima curls around Delphine, holding her, playing with her hair. This was bliss, this was what she had wanted. What she needed. But, what could possibly come after?

“How are you?” The words sound stupid and small, even to her own ears. Their clothing litters Delphine’s floor, and she wonders if she should simply tuck herself naked in Delphine’s bed. If that would be okay.

“I’m alright. I’m happy to be with you.” Delphine answers without turning around.

“Are you sure?” Cosima sits up, looking down at Delphine. Her eyes are red, as if she’s been crying again.

“I’m scared, ma chérie… and…” Delphine sighs.

“What?”

“I… want to do it again…” Delphine struggles to draw breath suddenly, tears leaking out from her eyes again.

“Shhh… darling,” Cosima leans over, placing a kiss on her forehead, letting her new lover sob. “We can do it again, right now if you want. As much as you want.” This wasn’t a problem, this wasn’t something to cry over, this was a delight. Delphine wants her back, they have each other. That has to be enough, it has to.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this… I just… I love you, but I …” Delphine cries again, “I want this, all the time. And I can’t.” Delphine’s voice cuts off in a sob.

“Of course you can.” Cosima reassures her, even as she moves to tuck them both into Delphine’s bed, for some semblance of modesty.

“We’re homosexuals.” Delphine sobs again as she lays the sheets over her, now ready to face the words.

“Yes.” Cosima nods, she doesn’t want to think about that right now. Not words like ‘damned’ or ‘sin’ or ‘unnatural’. She’d rather think of love, because she’s full of love. Bursting with tenderness, as well as with desire.

Delphine reaches a shaking hand out to cup her cheek. “But… I do love you, Cosima.”

“I wouldn’t trade this,” Cosima mumbles softly, “I wouldn’t trade my love for you for the world. I wouldn’t change a thing Delphine.”

Her lover hiccups softly, before moving to bury her face in her neck.

**

She doesn’t want to leave, not the warmth of Delphine’s bed. Not Delphine, even as her new lover rotates between affection and tears.

Eventually, she goes to the phone, simply to tell her parents that she will be staying overnight with Delphine. They make her assure them that Raymond isn’t home. Raymond, as if that would make any difference. Except perhaps, quell the tenderness, the irresistibility of feeling Delphine’s body under her own again, of laying skin on skin.

Cosima returns to bed, to find Delphine still huddled under the sheets, “Cosima…”

“Yes?” She answers slipping in next to her.

Delphine’s lip quivers when she speaks again. “Do you think we’re going to hell?”

She considers for a long moment before finally responding. “No.”

“No?” Delphine repeats in disbelief.

“I just, don’t think that being punished for loving you would be right.” Cosima responds, unsure of what else to say. She’d never thought much about church doctrine, she’d gone to church, said the words, but never really dove in deeper. All she has in her defense is the deep feeling, living somewhere inside her bones, that this isn’t wrong.

Delphine remains contemplative, thinking before she continues. “Love is a gift, and… well strictly speaking this,” Delphine waves her hand between themselves, “isn’t forbidden.”

“Because… we’re women?” Cosima looks for clarification, which she finds in Delphine’s insistent nodding. It’s not much, but she’ll take it.

She presses another warm kiss to Delphine’s mouth, and another, being instantly skin-on-skin is different, addictive, she reaches her hands out to caress, to enjoy the softness.

The quiet sound of a key in the door stops them both.

“Delphine. Je reviens.” Raymond’s voice echoes from the hallway, but there’s more than one pair of shoes sounding against the wooden floor. More than one voice speaking too loudly, muffled words and drunken giggles.

“Oh no…” Delphine breathes gently, holding Cosima still against herself. But Delphine makes no attempt to respond to her brother, to alert him to the fact she is still awake and not alone.

A warm hand presses over her mouth, and Cosima knows better than to try to speak. A new nervousness takes the place of her desire. Will Raymond walk in? Are they about to be caught.

Two lower voices speak with Raymond, one female and highly inebriated, the other male.

They’re all drunk, Cosima realizes, even as the door to Raymond’s room shuts, with no music to block out the sounds, it becomes clear what is happening. The moaning. The laughter. The creak of the bedsprings.

She finds herself at once horrified and perplexed. Three people in bed together? Raymond in bed with a man, and a woman? What sort of debauchery was that?!

She looks to Delphine for some kind of answer, but sees only that her lover is beet red, embarrassed, or ashamed. Cosima feels her shake in her arms, but she clings on tighter, unsure of what else to do.

Neither of them speak, she tries comforting Delphine, stroking her hair, kissing her forehead. Little comforts she can manage silently. She certainly doesn’t want to alert Raymond or his guests to her presence.

Unlike her, his guests dress and leave when it’s over. She hears them clunk out the door on their shoes, leaving Raymond, supposedly alone, again.

“We may not be going to hell, Cosima.” Delphine tells her finally, in a low whisper, “but my brother definitely is.”


	13. Chapter 13

Dr. Smith cradles his head in his hands, Laura and Stephen had come in immediately when he asked, though putting them in a room with Delphine’s three children seemed like a mistake.

Delphine sits quietly, having been guided in by a nurse, she sat down and her children seemed intent on hashing it out.

The children continue to shout and argue amongst themselves, switching from French to English and back again. Depending on their mood, Dr. Smith assumed. Even with the grey and greying hair, they seemed very much like children again. Three squabbling siblings not even noticing that their mother has entered the room.

Laura and Stephen hang back close to the door, his arm wrapped over her shoulders as they exchange a glance between the two of them.

“If I may… if you put in to move your mother, which of course you are allowed to. It could take several weeks to approve the transfer and find another wing to take her.”

“We’re moving her! End of discussion.” Alain exclaims, waving his arm in a sweeping gesture.

“Oh god… you sound just like Papa.” Nathalie rolls her eyes, “we should talk this through rationally, over dinner, get some wine. Fighting here is ridiculous.”

Annabelle cuts in, “why move maman at all? Really? What will that achieve?”

 

“You’d just leave her here to be victimized by some senile lesbian?” Alain shakes his head angrily.

“My mother is not senile.” Laura raises her voice, finally stepping into the fray. “She has the beginning stages of what might be Alzheimer’s. But I assure you, my mother would never rape anybody. This was consensual, so whatever you need to do to get over the fact that your mom decided to have sex in the nursing home with another woman you can work on that. I,” Laura stops taking a breath, “am more concerned that the staff here, and the other residents, will continue to treat both our mothers with kindness and respect, regardless of sexual preferences.”

Stephen looks between his wife and Delphine’s children, presumably wondering whether to intervene, to try to calm things down. Instead, Dr. Scott Smith makes the decision to put an end to this craziness.

“There is no need to make any decision today.” Dr. Smith cuts in gently. “Also, your mother is in the room.”

 

Delphine stands, and quickly walks over to her children, she takes her son by the elbow, forcing his arm down against his side.

“Maman…” Alain looks at her pleadingly. “Maman, you’re not even aware of what is going on.”

 

“I know exactly what is going on.” Delphine argues, “et je ne veux pas déménager encore. Je vais rester ici.”

“Mais Maman…” Alain stops for the time being. “We could try taking you back to Montréal, forget this nonsense of Annabelle’s about making you use English to maintain your brain functions…”

“It’s not nonsense!” Annabelle yells back, before turning to her mother. “We won’t move you.” Annabelle promises, “not now.”

 

“How can you promise that?!” Alain grabs his sister’s arm, stopping only when Delphine has forced herself between them, her shaking veiny hands stronger than they appear.

“Maman, what do you want?” Nathalie asks gently. “Just tell us, we have to take that into account.”

Delphine looks at her children, taking a long minute to look across them, to study their faces, their expressions.

“I want to get married.” Delphine states clearly.

**  
_1952_

  
They don’t talk about it. It’s simply easier not to. Delphine understands implicitly. Cosima never mentions what they overheard, and she lets it go, though she ushers Cosima quickly out the next morning after a quick breakfast of toast and tea.

She takes it upon herself to begin the washing, cleaning her sheets, destroying any evidence that she was not alone last night. The apartment is spotless, and her sheets drying long before Raymond is aware that she is up.

Raymond wakes around noon, and walks into the kitchen practically naked.

He catches sight of her expression and shrugs, she quickly grabs a pillow and chucks it at him.

“You… you’re an embarrassment!” Delphine exclaims turning bright red.

Her brother merely shrugs and begins the daily routine of setting himself breakfast.

Delphine is unable to hide her distraction the rest of the day. She still couldn’t believe it was true. She’d had Cosima. Really had her. She’d made love to her, let Cosima take her… And instead of feeling revulsion, she felt only delight, excitement, and perhaps a little fear.

What was going to happen to them? How could she ever want anything else but this … this love?

She doesn’t hear from Cosima for hours and hours, she wonders if it was something she did. Or said. Wonders if she will ever hear from Cosima again, or if their love affair would be limited to just the one night.

When the phone finally rings, she feels like her heart will burst, instead Cosima greets her over the line. “Hello Delphine.”

 

“Hello Cosima. I was… I was just thinking about you.” That much she can say, even if they are being observed. If Lillian or Arthur is in earshot. What else can she say? No one can know. It’s not safe.

“So… do you want to get dinner sometime this week?” Cosima asks, almost shyly. But there is an intensity, a longing she can feel behind the words.

“Of course!” Delphine responds enthusiastically. “We can go anywhere. Even dancing!”

“Even dancing?” Cosima splutters slightly, of course, Cosima knows. They cannot dance together. Not in public anyway. But it would make them seem normal. Conceal their love from unkind eyes.

She heards Lillian in the background, encouraging their venture, now that she knows it involves going out, encountering young men. Men she supposes would be happy to steal she and Cosima away from each other. But, maybe that would be worth it. Put in the time to please Cosima’s parents, and then take Cosima here. Back home.

A sharp thrill rushes through her, and she cannot deny it. All Delphine can do is be thankful that her brother is so very self-involved. Raymond will not notice, at least not easily.

**

Cosima pouts watching a young man twirl Delphine around the dance floor. This is not acceptable. How can Delphine do this to her? How did Delphine have the nerve to smile and laugh at that boy, letting him put his hand on her waist. Letting him… Cosima takes a deep breath to try to prevent further seething.

She is asked to dance, by two separate young men, but she merely crosses her arms across her chest and continues scowling in the direction of the dancefloor.

Delphine is smiling and swaying the arms of that stupid boy. Cosima is unable to deny her jealousy. She knew going out was a mistake. They should have just gone back to Delphine’s apartment. They could be alone there.

She agrees to dance with the next young man who asks, just as the band kicks up into a faster song. She’s good at this. This used to thrill her, this used to be all she wanted to do in personal life. But as Cosima is dipping and jumping, as her partner tosses her around like a ragdoll, all she wants is to dance with Delphine. Right here, tenderly, if only the other patrons would look the other way. Even just for the duration of a song.

Delphine has snuck off to the side, excusing herself politely, though her dance partner seems keen on getting to know her better.

She escapes as soon as the song is over. Not bothering to remember the boy’s name. He’s unimportant. She’s danced with lots of boys.

Her heart drops when she sees that boy lean across the table and kiss Delphine, she wants to smack them both across the face. Even though, Delphine merely blushes and excuses herself, returning to Cosima.

“I want to go.” Cosima insists, walking out leaving Delphine to quickly excuse herself and follow.

“My friend isn’t feeling well…” Delphine trails off in the background.

The clacking of heels against the tile proves she’s been followed back to the exit.

“Are you really going to leave without me?” Delphine catches her hand, her face sad, mystified.

“Yes.”

Delphine’s voice is instantly emotional.“Why?”

“You know why.” Cosima spits out. How can Delphine do that? Let some boy steal her away, let him kiss her… Does she mean nothing to her? Is Delphine going to continue to date? She doesn’t want that.

“Cosima…” Delphine jogs a little to catch up to her, as they approach the streetcar.

They fall silent on the streetcar. It’s not even ten o’clock, far too early to be heading home on a Friday. But there’s nothing to say as she watches Delphine sit beside her, despite her sullenness.

It is a long silent ride back to Delphine’s apartment. She briefly considered ditchcing Delphine, but that would be far far worse.

“What’s wrong?” Delphine senses her agitation as they near her apartment.

“You’re really asking me what’s wrong?” Cosima exclaims.

“Cosima…” Delphine pleads with her, grabbing her arms as soon as the door is shut behind her. “I was just dancing.”

“You let him kiss you!” Cosima fails to hide her anger.

Delphine counters her instantly, “I didn’t kiss him back. I was not going to do that. I only danced with him. He asked Cosima, what was I supposed to say?”

She shakes her head incredulously. “How about ‘no’?”

“That would be rude… and we don’t want to…” Delphine sighs, “draw attention to us.”

Cosima feels herself relax, watching as Delphine puts on a record, drawing her by her arm into the middle of the room as the music sets in.

“Dance with me now.” Delphine demands gently. “You wanted to dance with me, we can dance now.”

Cosima moves to lead, wrapping her own arm around Delphine’s waist. Her hands take the places his did, and she draws Delphine closer.

She whines openly, “I don’t want you dating anyone else.”

“I am not dating anyone else. Cosima, I am in love with you.” Delphine insists, eyes looking at her pleadingly. “I couldn’t… mon amour…” Delphine leans in with a quick kiss, she falls into it near-instantly and it deepens and they continue to sway to the music.

“Delphine…” She whispers when their lips part, watches Delphine smiling at her as she guides her in a slow, sweet dance.

“He doesn’t get to do this Cosima. None of them do.” Delphine murmurs softly. “He doesn’t get to take me home, or kiss me like this. Or… make love with me.”

“Ohh.” She moans, leaning back in to claim Delphine’s mouth again, a flicker of a tongue has her opening her mouth, the hot slide of Delphine’s tongue against her own making her groan deeply.

“He doesn’t get to dance with me like this,” Delphine insists, holding her closer.

“Only I get this.” Cosima smiles. “Delphine… this can work… it can really work. We… we can be together. I know we can.”

“And when school starts in September? When I am teaching and you’re in classes?”

“We’ll get together on Saturdays… or Sundays… We can make love all afternoon.” Cosima suggests, a blush going to Delphine’s cheeks at the thought.

“Ohh.” Delphine shudders in her arms, her words making them both remember. After all, how could it be just once?

“And then, soon we’ll both be teachers…. We’ll get an apartment, Delphine. Like this one….” Cosima continues weaving her fantasy. “We’ll, we’ll be careful. No one will have to know.”

“No one?” Delphine looks at her, eyes heavy and lips swollen from their kisses.

“No one but us… we can do this Delphine… Believe it.” Cosima croons gently. How could they not now?


	14. Chapter 14

Delphine rolls the window down enthusiastically, desperate for some air on what was turning out to be a humid August day. She looks over at Cosima, who is talking animatedly seemingly unbothered by the heat. Her lover’s hands wave, before jolting back to the wheel once again. She sighs, unable to drive herself, Delphine is at Cosima’s mercy for this quick jaunt. 

“Mon amour, please pay attention to the road.” Delphine calls out affectionately. And truly, the love between them has only grown in the last month. There had been lovemaking, Delphine reflects with a smile, not quite as much as she found she wanted. But enough. Her sheer depth of feeling for Cosima had only increased, it hadn’t burnt out, or faded away like the little flirtations she’d had in her youth. Perhaps, Delphine thinks distractedly, that was why. 

“Delphine, we’re two hours outside the city. There is barely anybody around.” Cosima brushes her off with another gesture. 

“Alright.” Delphine agrees, reaching her hand to briefly squeeze Cosima’s free one. This, this day together, maybe the last one for a while.

Between their burgeoning romance, and Cosima working in the shoe store, and her own preparations for teaching in September the summer was quickly drawing to a close.

“We could… get away with anything out here.” Cosima gestures to the forests currently surrounding the road. Perhaps it was

“Where are we going?”

Cosima grins at her, taking her eyes off the road for a moment. “I told you Wasaga Beach. Good for swimming. Or… whatever we end up finding.”

“We’re lost.” Delphine surmises quickly. 

“We aren’t lost.” Cosima emphasizes, turning to face her, “we’re on an adventure. We have maps in the car. We’ll be fine.”

“Cosima!” Delphine shouts, another car approaching, Cosima forced to swerve to return to her lane on the narrow road.

“Sorry.” Cosima returns her attention to the road. “So, I got into that class they didn’t want me to take.”

“Pathological Psychologies?” Delphine responds, she remembers the discussion. “Are you sure that is a good idea, mon amour?”

“Yes. Agh. Delphine, you are starting to sound like my mother. She doesn’t want me taking it either. All ‘too disturbing for a young lady’... but the university is letting me.” Cosima shrugs, one hand off of the wheel before a well-timed glare from Delphine makes her replace it.

The drive may be her favourite part, and best of all, Delphine thinks they’re alone. Let go for one night to the beach at Wasaga, albeit reluctantly on the part of Cosima’s parents. With one caveat, they are to drive the extra hour to the cottage rather than staying overnight at Wasaga, something neither of them minded.

“I… I am looking forward to having the cottage to ourselves.” Delphine confesses with a squeeze to Cosima’s hand.

“Me too… but first the beach.” Cosima grins, “we’ll be there within twenty minutes.”

It’s touristy. Delphine notes the diners and stores, the restaurants and ice cream parlours, all meant to cater to a crowd gathering to enjoy the beach. 

They reach the beach before noon, and neither can resist getting to the changerooms, locking their valuables in the car, and leaving the key tucked and tied safely into Cosima’s swimsuit.

It’s busier than either of them would like, the crowded beach, the little strip offering food and services. Teenagers, adults of all ages, and children take up most of the room on the beach. 

She feels instantly disappointed. She cannot hold Cosima’s hand here. Cannot kiss her here. 

They settle on the beach, Cosima looking at her with soft eyes. She can tell that occasional young men look over at them. Two girls alone, assuming that they want company. They rush to the water instead. Squealing and gasping at the chill of the water, as they wade deeper. 

Watching Cosima splash around in the water brings an easy smile to Delphine’s face. 

Cosima opts to splash her instead, swimming deeper, urging her to follow. Delphine holds back, looking around. They can’t exactly roughhouse in the water like children, the way it seems Cosima wants to whenever she gets too close.

Instead they swim, speaking of meaningless things, or she talks about her childhood, the swimming she’s done before. They swim, and she fantasizes about gathering Cosima into her arms, about making love to her under the warm sun. What kind of place could she do that? Could that even really exist? Surely, their love must be confined to shadows, and perhaps a trusted few who could keep secrets. 

“You thinking about teaching again?” Cosima asks, squinting at her in the bright sunlight as they wade from the lake. “You’ll be great, you know that?”

Delphine smiles, even Cosima has begun to recognize her expressions. “Non, it’s not that.” Her nerves got the best of her some days. But she’d met the headmaster, several other teachers, and knows that teaching, while not thrilling, won’t be difficult for her. 

“Then what is it?”

“I…” Delphine looks around the crowded beach, the many teenagers, families, the couples kissing and walking hand in hand.

“Oh.” Cosima reacts, “we’ll go somewhere else… keep driving.”

“Yes.” Delphine nods. 

“But… we should eat first.” Cosima tilted her head towards the small strip. 

She grins eating her hotdog, a quick bite before they can rush out again. But all she can do is give Cosima’s hand a quick squeeze, enviously watching young men with their sweethearts who cling throughout their meal. 

They change in the changerooms, quickly shucking off their wet swimsuits and wrapping them in their towels, replacing their dresses and returning, hair still damp and drying in the August heat, to the car. The leather seats stick to the backs of their knees and they squirm in the hot sun

After driving several long minutes, with the windows cranked down to encourage some kind of breeze as a reprieve, Cosima glances at her. “I might know a little spot we can swim… alone. But it’s a drive.”

“The cottage?” Delphine smiles. 

“Near it.” Cosima smiles. “We’ll just take a nice drive.” 

“Cosima… I want to kiss you.” Delphine looks over at her lover desperately. It’s never enough. She can never get enough. 

“And you will…” Cosima agrees, turning the vehicle to take the winding path down the backroads. 

This time, they sing, this time they hold hands in the car and she leans over and kisses Cosima’s cheek, Cosima’s neck, before her beloved swats her off to continue driving. It doesn’t matter that the day is sweltering, not that they are bound to be late for everything. No doubt, Cosima’s parents will have words for them if they are late getting home tomorrow. 

“I am not sure we’ll get another chance to stop,” Cosima explains as they turn off into a small town. 

“There is barely anything here.” Delphine comments. But she knows they need to eat. 

“We’ll just buy bread and fruit, some cheese.” Cosima shrugs, “things we can eat on the road.”

 

“We’ll have a picnic.” Delphine grins smiling at her, as they finally find a bakery. 

“Yes.” Cosima hops from the car, and quickly runs around the car to open the door for her, making Delphine blush and smile. Wherever this nowhere town is, it’s enough for this. 

A pair of eyes watch them intently from the window, Delphine senses it, even as they make their way into the bakery, Cosima’s enthusiasm seems to cool under the scrutiny. 

It’s the woman behind the counter who catches her attention. She’s older than she and Cosima no doubt, by at least a decade, but the way she’s dressed. Delphine is shocked as she sees men’s shoes and suspenders. The way she leans against the counter, seeming distinctly unfeminine. 

Delphine concentrates on not gaping at this woman like some sort of idiot. The intelligent thing to do, is to pretend not to notice, to pay for their bread and leave again. 

“Hello.” The woman greets them pleasantly, eyes darting between she and Cosima as her smile brightens. “What can I get you ladies?”

“Just a loaf of bread?” Cosima asks uncertainly, taking in the appearance of this stranger.

“Oh come on, take some pastries too.” The woman points at the various cookies and cakes, clearly she didn’t have trouble staying in business. She’s friendly and amicable, advertising the various goods, suggesting other stores to pick up what they need. 

“Helen, is that pie done yet?” The woman shouts into the backroom. Breaking her role as baker and saleswoman. 

“It’ll be done when it’s done, Dorothy!” A no-nonsense tone responds, “Why, you got customers in a rush?”

 

“Just a couple... of girls.” Dorothy hollers back, the pause likely intentional. “But I think they’d rather get back on the road than wait for you to finish.”

“We don’t need a pie.” Delphine says nervously. Somehow she knows, this woman, this Dorothy, sees right through her. Right through both of them. But a quick look at Cosima tells her that her lover is keeping her composure. Maybe she’s imagining things. Maybe. 

Just as they are paying, another woman, similar in age emerges from the back room, a thin dusting of flour, but her presentation entirely feminine. A warm pie clutched in an oven mitt. 

“Oh, take the pie girls.” Helen smiles at the two of them, her eyebrows raising. 

“Thank you. We will.” Cosima nods as Dorothy packs it up for them. 

They pay for their groceries and leave, the woman giving them a last nod as they turn, bell ringing on the door on their way out.

“That was… odd.” Cosima comments.

“Very.”

Not another word is spoken of the encounter. After all, what could either of them say? 

The sun is starting to set by the time Cosima pulls over again, their simple dinner long since eaten, the cherry pie safely packed away under Delphine’s side of the front seat. For breakfast tomorrow, they’d told each other. 

“Come on!” Cosima urges, guiding her out of the car and taking her by the hand. Trees surround both sides of the road, and there is barely enough room to park, but she’s guiding Cosima’s face to her own, to finally take the kisses she’d been dreaming about all day.

They walk a short ways, a path leading down to a small lake. A pond perhaps? Delphine wonders, but the water runs. A stream.

Cosima grins, and begins unbuttoning her clothes, laying her dress on the rocks, before shrugging out of her slip, her underwear.

“What are you doing?!”

“Swimming.” Cosima responds with a cheeky smile. 

“But… our swimsuits.”

“Don’t need them. No one is going to see us here.” Cosima assures her. Hands working the buttons on her dress as encouragement.  
And naked, under the faintly red glow of the setting sun, Cosima is wonderful. She strips and follows her into the water. This time they splash, they kiss in the water, chasing each other like children and pulling at each other. 

“Delphine…” Cosima moans, after a particularly deep kiss, her hands grazing her lover’s sides, so close… so close she could just take her.

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to swim anymore.” Cosima looks at her seriously, shaky. They climb from the water, gathering their clothes in their hands, not bothering to put them back on, they toss their dry clothes into the front bench seat, and climb into the back. Daylight almost faded, they cling to each other. Neither quite brave enough to make the first move here. To touch each other so intimately here.

“Oh Delphine…” Cosima sighs at her pulling her into her arms, her lips going to her neck, kissing the path to her ear that she has learned always makes Delphine whimper. Another kiss, she plays with Cosima’s tongue with her own, clutching her beloved as closely as she can while a now familiar fire rushes through her blood. Her love for Cosima. Her desire for Cosima. 

“Make love to me … right here.” Delphine finds herself demanding, more and more aroused, everything in her fixated on the dampness of Cosima’s hair, the slight wetness of her skin, the strength of her hand, of her fingers when they begin to stroke at her. 

It doesn’t take long for her hips to respond, to rock into Cosima’s body, to insist on having her lover inside of her again. Her peak comes, and she blinks back tears. She’s never been happier. 

“Je t’aime…” Delphine assures Cosima, moving to take her, her own hand sliding between their bodies, adjusting positions. Not caring that the windows are fogged up, or that some poor unsuspecting farmer might happen upon them if they are woefully unlucky. 

“I want you…. I want this…” Delphine pants as she moves, her fingers delving deeper into Cosima, her arousal increased by every moan, every sound from Cosima’s perfect lips. She cannot deny the want, the desire. Or the love, and it all exists together, even if it shouldn’t. Cosima isn’t a demon, not some sort of horrible creature. She couldn’t imagine her being any more perfect, any more wonderful.

“Tu es comme un ange Cosima…” Delphine lets herself run at the mouth, fixated on the feel of Cosima tightening around her, of the imminent orgasm she felt such a need to give Cosima. 

The sounds fade to slow breathing, the need to couple, temporarily sated. 

Eventually they settle, curled together on the back seat, now in complete darkness. The warmth of Cosima’s arms around her the ultimate comfort.

“I… I have wanted this for so long.” Cosima croons to her, “I… I never thought I could fall in love. That I would find somebody. And we’re not the only ones, Delphine! There are other women like us…. And we can live lives together… it’s going to be beautiful.”

“It will. It will.” Delphine assures her. But she cannot stop the wave of sadness that comes over her. Or the shivering fear, the what-ifs. 

She doesn’t tell Cosima that, instead she kisses her deeply, and they struggle into their clothes, and drive the twenty minutes to the cottage, barely managing to put the sheets on one of the double beds before removing their clothes again. Meeting Cosima skin on skin in a bed easily big enough for the two of them, moving in the dark until she peaks again and again.

When they wake in the morning, they make love again, she forgets the wave of sadness. Tossing it from her mind. She has Cosima. They have all the time in the world.


	15. Chapter 15

“Maman, you cannot get married. You’ll fuck up the will!” Nathalie exclaims. Delphine wanted to snort in response. It was, after all, better than Alain’s reaction. Annabelle seemed more measured, wanting to take a wait and see approach. Perhaps, Delphine thinks, it was to do legal research surrounding the will.

“Nathalie…” Delphine warns shaking her head. “I want to do this. I want to marry someone I actually love.”

“Yes, I get it maman, I do… but just enjoy the company. No need to do something legal.” Nathalie, while kind, is absolutely practical here.

“Why not? You and your brother and sister have all of the money anyway.” Delphine reminds her, that had been done when she’d gone into the nursing home. She didn’t even have access to her bank account anymore. It hardly mattered if she married or not. Certainly Cosima didn’t need the money. Neither of them did.

“But the estate, maman, you still are considered the owner. As soon as you get married, the will is useless because everything would go to Cosima if you died. You can’t do that.” Nathalie reminds her, beckoning a nurse to reiterate her point.

Delphine looks at her youngest child, now passed middle-age herself. “Then let me talk to a lawyer to fix it.”

 

“Maman… you can’t change the will. Papa wrote it before he died.” Nathalie reminds gently, “you didn’t have your own money. It was all papa’s.”

“That isn’t true.” Delphine says very quietly, but there is no sense arguing with her children. She’s certainly not making any headway. Perhaps she’d try Annabelle again, see if that daughter would be more cooperative.

She slowly makes her way to Cosima’s room later, the nurses now keeping a closer watch on the two of them to prevent what they are referring to as any ‘funny business’. Delphine merely laughs at them, to refer to lovemaking like that seems very strange.

“Hello my love,” Cosima greets her, from her cozy place on her couch.

She rushes to Cosima’s arms as quickly as she can, albeit much more slowly than she could have managed 20 years ago. She kisses her soundly, knowing that the nurses are watching but not caring. They cannot take this away from her again. No one will this time.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine tells her love after she’s finished kissing her, continuing to cup her face affectionately in her hands.

“Did you talk to your children?” Cosima prompts.

“I did… it did not go well.”

“I still want to marry you.” Cosima tells her gently, “but even if we can’t, I won’t love you any less.”

“I know my love, but… I want to. I want to try.” Delphine assures her. Surely, this is the best case scenario for everyone. Surely, she was of sound enough mind to speak to a lawyer, to fix her will so that Cosima could not inherit any of the estate. If that was even truly necessary, the will, as Delphine recalled, said that after her death the half of the estate she was entitled to would also pass to her children.

“Luckily,” Laura calls, knocking at the door as she enters behind them. “We have another plan.”

“That we do.” Stephen grins behind her, his face seemingly years younger for a moment. His joy palpable.

“What’s that?”

 

Stephen sits on the bed and reaches gently for their joined hands. “I am a minister at a United Church, an affirming united church. Do you know what that means Delphine?”

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head confused.

“It means I can marry all kinds of couples. Same sex. Opposite sex. It doesn’t matter.” Stephen tells her gently. “Now, I have been dreaming of being able to do this for my mother-in-law since 2003. And I am not going to let a couple cranky children stop me.”

“We can help you.” Laura adds in, “you can marry by reading of the banns, it won’t cost either of you a thing for the license that way.”

Delphine tears up slightly, unable to stem back a flow of emotion. She’d never expected this, she looks at Cosima who is also grinning, both at her, and at her daughter and son-in-law.

“Stephen, you have come a long way from that nervous young man on my porch.” Cosima says finally, with a genuine smile. “I am so proud of what you have become. And… I accept. If Delphine does. We can do it quietly, on a weekday in a month.”

“A month.” Delphine repeats with a grin. “Yes, yes let’s do it. Thank you.”

“It’ll take that long to post the banns three times.” Stephen explains. “In the meantime, I’ll call my family lawyer and you can do up a addendum to your will. Laura and I will pay for it.”

 

“A month isn’t so long.” Cosima comforts her, throwing her arms around her. “And then… well, even these nurses can’t stop us. I want us to have a double room here Delphine. I want… everything we can have.”

“Me too.” Delphine smiles, oblivious to Cosima’s delighted family, for a moment, she sees only her love.

***

  
_September 1952_

Cosima makes her way through the hallway, her satchel heavy with books. There are too many men she decides. This pathological psychologies class she’d had to argue her way into was full of men. Being late wasn’t going to help things, Cosima suspected, as she dodged through the correct door, quickly reading the room number and taking the first available seat she finds.

Two young men beside her look over and gape as if they are perturbed to see a woman in this course. A course with such sensitive material, that women shouldn’t be able to handle it. Cosima wants to roll her eyes at the thought,

As she suspected, she’s one of two women in the course. The other, she assumes, is a psychology major. The room is filled with men, and the small balding professor stands at the front of the room, already starting to go through his syllabus.

She quickly records notes on the assignments and readings for the next few weeks. She intents to ace this course, prove to the university that she, as a woman, was perfectly capable of taking any course she wanted. At least it’d be more stimulating that the art history course her mother insisted she take this semester to make her more well-rounded.

“And we’re going to get started.” The professor calls from the floor, clapping his hands to get his students attention. “This is a one semester course and we have a lot of material to cover. We’re diving right into a subject that is going to make a lot of you uncomfortable. If you’re going to drop the class, I want you to drop it in the next two weeks. The two ladies among us, may not be able to handle this.”

Cosima wants to groan. She’d had to argue her way into this class. Pathological psychologies. Her parents wouldn’t approve, Cosima knew well. But to say she wouldn’t be able to handle the subject matter was insulting.

Dr. Andrews continues, beginning to write notes on the chalkboard as he does. “Homosexuality.”

A few gasps sound around her, as students look left and right, baffled at the topic at hand.

“Now calm down,” Dr. Andrews shakes his head at them. “Now, I know you have all been told by religion and society, that homosexuals are terrible sinners, perverts that are going straight to hell to be tortured. But, homosexuality, is a mental illness. Science tells us.” The professor pauses to scribble out more notes on the board. “That it is a sociopathic personality disturbance, and therefore, what these individuals require is treatment.”

The class mutters amongst themselves, some unwilling to accept this new information.  
Cosima finds herself transfixed and horrified. Is the professor correct? Is she ill? Is Delphine. She sits transfixed, jotting down notes only intermittently, enough to pass the exam at a later date. Is this true? Is this why? Is there something terribly wrong with her.

When class lets out there is only one place she wants to go, she quickly hops a streetcar from the university, heading directly for Delphine’s. Needing her now more than ever. Her mind won’t stop spinning. Should she want treatment? Cosima wonders if refusing would mean that there is something even more wrong with her.

“It’s a disease!” She sobs at Delphine, upon reaching her apartment, relieved that the other woman is home.

“Cosima…” Delphine croons, opening her arms, “what is wrong?”

Unable to help herself she falls into Delphine’s arms, squeezing her tightly, burying her burning face in her neck. “My pathological psychology course the prof didn't want to let me take."

"What?" Delphine strokes her hair, trying to figure out what is so upsetting. For a moment, Cosima isn’t sure she should tell her. Would it upset Delphine? Would it make Delphine want treatment?

"They talked about homosexuality. The treatments. It's a mental illness, Delphine. A sociopathic personality disturbance.” Her eyes are tearing up, she keeps her face pressed to Delphine’s skin, unwilling to break the contact. Why had she come here? Why is Delphine the first person she turns to for comfort, even for this?

“Listen to me,” Delphine grabs her jaw, making her meet light hazel eyes with her own. “Don’t take this away, Cosima, I love you. I love you.”

“And if we’re sick?” Cosima cannot stop her lip from quivering, she’s shaking in Delphine’s arms. But her lover doesn’t release her, doesn’t stop trying to comfort her.

Delphine sets her jaw, trying not to react to the words. “We’ll be sick together. I … I cannot give you up. Do you understand me? I love you... I want to make love to you.” Delphine kisses her face softly, “I want to make love to you now…”

Cosima surges forward, claiming Delphine’s lips as her hands caress her body over her clothes. She begins working at buttons. Delphine’s mouth chases away her fear, her doubts… she’s never felt more alive.


	16. Chapter 16

The days turn easily to weeks, Cosima is largely consumed by her schoolwork, and Delphine, well teaching French to a few classes of adolescent boys was far more work than she had anticipated. Though she has a share of good students, others simply stare at her, or worse, play pranks on each other throughout her class.

Delphine had resolved to become stricter with them with promising results. Perhaps it was best that the young men were frightened of her. She laughs at the thought while marking.

“What’s all this?” Raymond complains about the mess of papers on the table, wandering from his bedroom to the kitchen.

“Work.” Delphine answers flatly in English. “Where have you been?”

“Calme-toi.” Raymond shakes his head, he doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have to for Delphine to understand what he has been up to. Things that are...both sins and illegal.

Delphine just snorts, ignoring her brother as he goes through his evening routine of eating whatever leftovers she’d stored in the fridge, not bothering to stay and have dinner with her.

But it doesn’t matter, not when she has Cosima. Her lover consumes her thoughts most days, and they take every moment they can spare to be together. Delphine wants more, craves more. She wants more than just their stolen moments, their secret love affair. She wants… everything she cannot have.

Even if she were a man she wouldn’t easily be able to truly have Cosima. To marry her and have her as a wife. She curses that fact, that Cosima is a protestant, and without papal dispensation even a Catholic man couldn’t marry her. Though she takes Cosima to bed so often, they’d likely end up forced to marry.

Delphine giggles at the thought, her brother merely looking at her, before gathering his things and heading out again.

Perhaps they are both guilty, she and Raymond. But… at least she has love.

**

Cosima yawned as she made her way to yet another art history class. Why she had ever agreed to an art history class in the first place was beyond her. She remembers something about her mother telling her it would make her more cultured and give her something to talk about at parties.

As of yet, she could identify a few artists by style, some she liked, some she didn’t. But what was the point of this? Surely she could be better served by studying something interesting. Or something she could actually teach at some point. Cosima sets down her books, this class was full of women. And a few men.

 

This medieval or renaissance art, it was all the same. Cosima yawns to herself, propping herself up with her elbow on the desk. Other students look at her in mock horror, before returning to their notes.

The projector is already running, and when the teacher changes the slide, Cosima finds herself staring transfixed.

“As you see, the artist was clearly portraying the downfall of man, as you see the various characters engaged in acts of debauchery…” The professor, a middle-aged man, drones on.

And Cosima cannot care, can’t even bring herself to halfheartedly take notes. Later, she won’t even remember the artists name. Just that image. Of a person, with longish hair, crouched between a woman’s legs, mouth presses to her sex. The other bodies, other characters become a blur to her. There’s only one thought in her mind.

 

**

“Cosima!” Delphine answers the door delightedly, “you’re early!”

“Is that alright?” Cosima drops her books near the door.

“Of course.” Delphine adjusts herself. She’s stunning, Cosima thinks, burying her face in Delphine’s neck. Already reaching her hands up under her skirt.

“Take me to bed.” Cosima implores gently, against Delphine’s skin, moving to take her lips, to coax her own desire into them.

As usual, Delphine rouses easily, arms and lips clinging, flushed with excitement by the time they’ve shimmied their way back through the apartment to her bedroom. A quick kick to the door, and she’s set in on the buttons, on all the fasteners of their clothing.

“You’re so eager!’ Delphine teases, with another slow kiss, hands moving to meet the pace.

“I missed you.”

 

“It’s only been… six days?” Delphine furrows her brow, perhaps it’s harder to concentrate with lips on your neck.

Lips… Cosima thinks with a heady sigh, she wants other places. Delphine’s scent, the scent so often lingering on her hands, on her clothing, on the sheets. She must taste her.

Undressed, she works panties down bare thighs, not even pausing once removing the stockings and garters, Delphine merely smiles at her as she kisses down her legs, only tensing once she nears her sex.

“Why? What are you doing?”

“What… what I want to.” Cosima responds simply. “I… I want to do this.”

Delphine nods assent, biting her lip. “Alright.”

Cosima ducks her head down, brushing back hair with her free hand as her lips lower to her beloved’s sex. The scent nearly overpowering now. The first taste is shocking, almost too much. But the second, and the third turn her into an addict.

“Oh…” Delphine sighs, relaxing, a hand resting softly in her hair. “This… this…”

“Does it...feel good?” Cosima props her head up briefly on a hip bone.

The response is a breathless laugh, surprise. “Oh yes.”

That’s enough, she contines, licking and kissing, until the frustration begins to overwhelm them both, and rising to her knees, she takes her.

It isn’t debauchery, Cosima thinks to herself, claiming Delphine’s lips with her own, claiming each breast in turn. It… it is perfect.

**

“I … I want everything with you.” Delphine sighs, cuddled into her lover’s naked skin, wrapped around her.

“If I could marry you, I would.” Cosima whispers softly. That… that would always be out of reach. Out of their grasp. “But… we’ll find a way to be together. To stay together.”

“We could …” Delphine stops, observing Cosima carefully.

“We could what?”

“Find someone who’d understand… you could get married. Even, have children… I’d still love you.” Delphine offers, this half-baked planned coming out into the open, “we could be together that way.”

“What?!” Cosima balks, disturbed by her suggestion. “Why not just be spinsters together?”

“Listen, you are an only child, Cosima. At least this way we could be together… you’d have a normal life, and you’d have me. Always.”

“You'd just let me… you’d want me to?”

Delphine shakes her head. “No… but I'd be with you… maybe, we could find someone who’d let us all live together. I’d be a spinster, yes, but I’d get to stay with you. Maybe a man… like us?”

“And… you’d want me to go to bed with him?” Cosima throws back, horrified. “I could never do that. I wouldn’t.”

“And you don’t have to, mon amour. I… I am just looking for a solution.” Delphine tries to soothe her.

“Why does there need to be a solution?” Cosima retorts, “it won’t change who we are. What we are, Delphine.”

It’s stumbling after that, her sheets a mess, another mess of kissing, another rocking of bodies and limbs. Needing the comfort that follows. Perhaps… perhaps nothing else has to matter. They have each other.

Cosima rises only briefly, just enough to telephone her parents, who tolerate what they termed her ‘adolescent behaviour’, a lie thrown at them, that she and Delphine had gone dancing with two young men. Whatever little fantasy they’d rather believe.

Delphine’s up making coffee in the morning, Cosima rushing away, on toast and tea, to tend her father’s storefront as promised. Before Raymond makes his presence known.

“You’re home?” Delphine looks at her brother in surprise. He stands in the kitchen, and for a moment she wonders if he’s going to demand breakfast from her. She hadn’t heard him come in last night. For once, he had been quiet.

“You think I don’t know? What you’ve become?!” Raymond shakes his head at her, “I wouldn’t say anything in front of her. But I have seen her, I heard you last night. She stayed over.”

“It’s… it’s not …” Delphine considers her options. “Say nothing. As I do for you.”

“Non… it’s not natural for a woman to act this way…” Raymond shuts her down instantly. “This… this doesn’t happen.”

“But… it’s natural for you? To take a man, or a man and a woman to bed at the same time?” Delphine speaks up.

“I knew… I knew you weren’t stupid.” Raymond shakes his head, “I’m a man, c’est different. It doesn’t matter what I do… but you. You were supposed to be here for me. Not… for this.”

“Why?” Delphine asks in English, watching the gears churn in her brother’s mind. Watching him think.

“This is no life for you.” Raymond tells her decisively. “You should return to Montréal. As soon as the school year is over. That… that is the end of this.”

 

“Non.” Delphine grits her teeth, crossing her arms. “I won’t leave.”

 

“You will.” Raymond tells her, helping himself to the coffee. “You don’t belong here. This… this isn’t your life. It’s mine. And … I don’t need you here.”

“C’est ma vie.” Delphine retorts. “I work, I clean… so .. so I have love.”

“Love?” Raymond scoffs. “There’s nothing of love in this. Any of this.”

“Maybe for you.” Delphine tells him quietly. She watches her brother slink away, a standoff.


End file.
